• Paris Hilton has been offered a deal in her cocaine arrest in which she would plead guilty to two misdemeanor charges and avoid jail time.

• Amanda Bynes has retired from acting — via Twitter.

• Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry have split up. A source says:

• Ghost Whisperer co-stars Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy have split after one year of dating. There are no details on the split just yet, though surely Preston Meyers is somewhere holding a letter, yelling, "This is my sign!" [People]

• Don't cry for Conan O'Brien. Sources say NBC is giving him a $32.5 million severance package. In return, Conan can't host another show until September and NBC gets to keep his characters, including Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.

• Lindsay Lohan has returned from India!

• A smattering of guy-centric sites have decided that August 4 should be A Day Without Megan Fox:

• Chris Brown tried to sit next to Mariah Carey during a private reception after Michael Jackson's memorial. She quickly informed him that she would rather he sit at another table. [Perez Hilton]

• Oh, snap: Paulina Porizkova has been given the pink slip by Tyra and America's Next Top Model! The '80s supermodel told Craig Ferguson on the Late, Late Show:

• Sad face: Mickey Rourke's 18-year-old chihuahua, Loki, has died. Rourke called Loki "the love of his life." And famously thanked his all his dogs in his Golden Globes speech. RIP little dude! [E!, TMZ]

• Joaquin Phoenix, who recently retired from acting, officially launched his rap career this past Friday. Says Phoenix: "Are there people who think it's going to suck? Probably, but I can’t worry about that." [People]

• Gwyneth Paltrow may be launching a chain of gyms with her trainer, Tracy Anderson. [Digital Spy]
• Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady: Engaged. Congratulations are in order, unless you're a Giants fan... or Bridget Moynahan. [People]

• Liz Taylor is reportedly on life support after suffering heart failure. A source says, "Doctors though they were going to lose her." The 76-year-old was diagnosed with pneumonia last week. Be well! [Daily Mail]
• Tom Cruise is named in a $250 million federal lawsuit against the Church of Scientology. It seems that the guy behind the suit, Peter Letterese, is using a celebrity name to get attention. It's working. [Rush & Molloy]
• Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick left a NYC restaurant. Together. Which is a "show of unity" after the news of his affair broke, according to this paper. [Daily Mail]
• Ryan Gosling made his DJ debut at the Green Door Lounge in Hollywood Tuesday night and guess who showed up? Rachel McAdams! Ryan and his ex talked when he was away from the booth and a spy says, "He seemed happy to see her." Ryan played tunes from the '40s and '50s. [People]

• Okay, it's slightly less random than it seems: Dempsey's wife, Jillian, has been Avon’s global creative color director since July 2006. Not that this really excuses it. Or why WWD refers to "Unscripted", ominously, as the actor's "first scent." And about that name: does he really want to take credit for ad-libbing the Grey's dialogue? [WWD]
• Meanwhile, in other fragrance news, Josh Hartnett is fronting "Emporio Armani: Diamonds for Men," [ET]
• ...while Eva Mendes is the, um, face of both Calvin Klein's new Secret Obsession perfume and its "Seductive Comfort" underwear line. Quoth the loyal pitchwoman, ""I wear [Calvin Klein] G-strings all of the time on the red carpet and when shooting for a film because you don't see the [panty] lines." [WWD]
• Christian Siriano: "I am honored to be a part of this amazing group of talent!” Siriano said. “It is a dream to work with legends such as [director] Charles Shyer, Uma Thurman and [costume designer] Milena Canonero on a wonderful story filled with creative inspirations." The project? Eloise in Paris. [E!]

• Heidi and Spencer are going to Iraq to "perform" for the troops. And Meghan McCain — John's daughter — may be helping with the travel arrangements. Head. Exploding. [People]
• Omarosa went on Wendy Williams' new talk show Monday and shit got heated. Omarosa didn't like the way Wendy introduced her; when Wendy held Omarosa's book up to the camera, Omarosa snatched it out of Wendy's hand. Omarosa attacked Wendy's appearance, asking whether she'd had a nose job and saying she shouldn't wear wigs. "Omarosa wished her career was my career," Wendy says. "Omarosa is a delusional, D-list, pathetic woman." [Breitbart]
• Ooooh! Video of Omarosa and Wendy! [E!]
• This confusing report seems to hint that Christian Bale's mother and sister have accused him of assault. Say it ain't so. [The Sun]

• Drew Barrymore and Justin Long: Dunzo. Sigh. They seemed so ridiculously happy, didn't they? They've been together since August 2007, though they knew each other for seven years before getting serious. Drew's been through so much… Sniff. [Us Magazine]
• Kate Moss and Jamie Hince: Also splitsville! Sob. Now Cher is stuck in my head. [People]
• Matthew McConaughey is a dad! Camilla Alves gave birth to a baby boy yesterday. Matt and Camilla are both "stoked." [Us Magazine]
• Lily Allen is back with Ed Simons from the Chemical Brothers. This is according to diligent reporting by checking their Facebook profiles. [The Sun]
• Oh! And Samantha Ronson bought Lindsay Lohan a $21,000 Cartier ring. It's not an engagement ring, it's a token of her commitment. But yeah. Ah, love. [Mirror]
• James Haven and Maddox Jolie-Pitt visited Angelina Jolie in the hospital over the weekend. Still no twins! [People]
• Amy Winehouse is addicted. To tanning beds. [The Sun]

• Nicole Richie and Joel Madden did not get married this weekend, despite reports by Star magazine that they were having a $2 million wedding. But! Joel did post fake wedding pictures on his band's blog with a message that read: "I've been getting calls and texts from my family all week asking me why they weren't invited to my wedding. I guess the only answer I could give them was that I didn't know we were having one." In the pix, he and Nicole are gorillas. [E!]
• Amy Winehouse agreed to sing at the party of a Russian billionaire, but when she showed up in Moscow, she was "in no condition" to appear on stage. Organizers spent two hours trying to pull her together, and a source says "she put on a terrific show." [Rush & Molloy]
• You may have heard that Scarlett Johansson and Barack Obama have an e-mail relationship: But did you know that Scarlett's brother Hunter works for the senator? [Page Six]
• M.I.A., whom this paper calls a "lady rapper," is engaged! Check out her bling. [Rush & Molloy]
• Tim Russert's heart was enlarged. [People]

• If you believe the UK tabloids, which are using Italian sources, Angelina Jolie might be pregnant, OMGWTFYAY. [Mirror]

• Rose McGowan and her Planet Terror director Robert Rodriguez: Engaged! She was previously engaged to Marilyn Manson; he was previously married to the mother of his 5 kids. (Did we ever tell you our theory? That Rob likes Rose partly because her name starts with an R? His kids are named Rocket, Racer, Rebel, Rogue and Rhiannon.) [People]

• Go ahead and file this under things you hate yourself for wanting to know more about: Kimora Lee Simmons wants another baby — and she wants boyfriend Djimon Hounsou to be the daddy. Seems like they spent the weekend in Antigua uh, trying. [Page Six]

• After three hours in court (Kevin Federline showed up, Britney Spears did not) a family court judge decided that Kevin will retain custody of the kids. For now. Britney is allowed monitored visitation. There will be another hearing on Oct. 26. Also? Kevin was wearing an eyepatch. Britney was at Starbucks with her dog while this was going on. [TMZ]

• Britney's former bodyguard says one night he saw her "out of it" in a trashed hotel room with crystal meth paraphernalia and he "thought she was going to die." [The Sun]

• Brad Pitt bought a Patek Philippe watch (the $15,000 model is considered cheap) yesterday, making those Angelina "he spends money like water" comments seem true. [Rush & Molloy, 2nd item]

• Britney Spears showed up for her comeback at the MTV Awards "late, unprepared, and with a drink in her hand." She was also supposed to be lifted and twirled by the dancers, but refused. And she was supposed to be wearing a corset. [Page Six]

• Britney "performed" at the MTV Awards. And the reviews are in! NY Post:"Lard & clear loser... Totally lame, pathetically lip-synched." Washington Post: "Disjointed and just plain boring..." NY Times: "Awful. She tottered around the stage, dancing tentatively and doing nothing that sounded or looked like real live singing." BBC: "[Her performance will] go down in the history books as being one of the worst to grace the MTV Awards". Yahoo News: "Lethargic movements that seemed choreographed by a dance instructor for a nursing home..."

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, the Wednesday refresher course in all the week's most important news we provide you free of charge so you don't fail the exam. In which we (and our trusty TA who does all the work) Intern Maria "read" the Wednesday celebrity tabs. So you don't "have" to.

• In the time we took to launder our whites and get over a hangover, singer John Mayer broke up with singer Jessica Simpson. Allegedly over her slutty clothes. Then John went to a party, hit on an Asian model, briefly considered doing her, thought better of it (debatable!) and went home alone. [Rush & Molloy]