Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Callie Beusman makes a pilgrimage to the local newsstand and buys the latest issues of Ok!, In Touch, Life & Style, Us and Star. Together we "read" the "news" so you don't "have" to. This week: Nicole Richie is "scary skinny;" everyone hates The Bachelor; and new fashion it girl Kendall Jenner is getting the Vogue cover Kim Kardashian wanted. Whoops!
WEDDING & TWO BABIES!
Stop us if you've heard this one before: Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are going to get married and have two more kids. With a twist, though: Angie and Brad are planning on getting pregnant with one child and adopting the second from Ethiopia. Sure! This article also goes into great depths describing the most batshit fabricated wedding of all time: the ceremony will be officiated by George Clooney, who will get his marriage license online. It will take place in France during Cannes (because none of their friends will be invited to the Film Festival??); Brad and Angie "have set aside a couple of a million dollars for catering, decorating, flowers, and staff," as one does; there will be a private party in a fake bunker that Brad and his sons built in honor of World War Z; people dressed up as characters from Monsters, Inc. will be flown in from Disneyland Paris. OK, SURE. Moving on: Miley Cyrus is now a huge commitment-phobe; she's been through 7 men in 4 months — but apparently this will all take place in the FUTURE, from Sept. 2014 to Dec. 2014 (Fig 1). A source close to Miley adds that her "tough, sexually-liberated-girl persona" is just a "defense mechanism," thus the 7 Future Lovers. Moving on: Selena Gomez, who did not go to rehab for substance abuse, is "still partying" — according to an Instagram she posted of herself sipping on a girly cocktail with a friend. Also, she wants implants, says a source. Oooook. In other news, Kendall Jenner is totally going to steal Kim's Vogue cover. As a reminder, Kim's promised Vogue cover does not yet exist, and may never exist. But Kendall is now beloved by the fashion industry, having walked in both New York and London Fashion Weeks; she also sat next to Anna Wintour in the front row at Topshop. Kim will absolutely lose her shit if this continues, affirms the mag. Elsewhere in the magazine, the Royals are running out of money; most of their vast wealth is locked up in property, which they can't sell. As a result, they're downsizing: Kate Middleton plans on "halving the $54,000 she spent last year on clothes." The very picture of frugality.
Grade: F (crawling for three days over scorching desert sands)
Life & Style
PROPOSAL GONE WRONG
Sigh, another Bachelor story: this one says that Juan Pablo lost his "two favorite girls," both of whom chose to leave the show, and had a sad, lackluster proposal that made everyone cry as a result. But also he's a womanizer and has been seen with three women since the show ended, so it looks like he bounced back ok. Moving on: in a beautiful case of burying the lede, Ashton Kutcher is demanding that Mila Kunis sign a pre-nup in order to protect his $170 million (oh, also, he proposed to her). Mila Kunis, whose personal brand is "chill," probably doesn't really care. In other news, Selena Gomez and Niall from One Direction made out a lot in London and thus Selena has initiated a revenge sequence against Justin Bieber. Apparently Selena's friends are encouraging her to continue seeing Niall, who is doofy and kind and sometimes pretends to play the guitar. Next: Kendall Jenner wore no bra beneath a sheer shirt on the Marc Jacobs runway, causing Life & Style to ponder: "WHAT HAPPENED TO KENDALL?" Apparently, Kris Jenner has been pushing her to dress "sexier" in order to "keep the family in the limelight"; as we all know, nothing in the world is sexier than brown trousers that a turn-of-the-century pauper would wear on his paper route (Fig 2).
Grade: F (walking for three hours barefoot over frozen arctic ice)
Full disclosure: We could not bring ourselves to read this cover story. But "crying in public" and "too broke to leave Dean" sound super sad, and we hope Donna Martin graduates. Moving on: Nicole Richie is "scary skinny" and "won't stop cleansing," says a report based on a paparazzi photo of her leaving a store carrying a plastic bag. A zoomed-in image of said bag reveals that there is DUN DUN DUN "UltraCleanse Plus" shake mix inside (Fig. 3). According to an alarmist source, Nicole's husband Joel "is scared to death that her organs will begin to shut down." She seems to be ambulatory though? Also too thin, on a different page of the mag, is Emma Roberts. A scintillating eyewitness account straight from Nobu: "All she ate was one piece of sushi and didn't even touch the rice!" Someone call the cops. Next, "bad girl" Cara Delevingne is making friends with Taylor Swift, but TSwizzle's "inner circle" is worried because Cara is a "terrible influence." Protect America's Sweatheart at all costs. Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux are "worlds apart" which does not mean she is basking in the sun on Tatooine while he's shivering in an ice cave on Hoth, but apparently they haven't seen each other in 50 days. The editors are drafting "sad and alone" headlines right now. More relationship news: Your boyfriend Ryan Gosling keeps trying to break up with Eva Mendes, "but she manipulates him into staying," a source swears. Keep fighting the good fight, girl. There's a two-page article about how Khloe Kardashian has serious feelings for The Game; here is an actual sentence: "While The Game, 34, is a former gang member and drug dealer whose rap sheet includes arrests for disorderly conduct and threatening someone with a gun, Khloe is drawn to the hip-hop artist's sensitive side." But it's going nowhere, an insider says: He doesn't feel the same way about her. This, of course, means Khloe is "falling apart," and the proof is a weirdly-angled Instagram selfie which allegedly illustrates how "she's been going overboard with fillers and Botox." Finally, a two-page piece called "Miley's X-Rated Extravaganza" consists of tongue-extended crotch-grabbing images from the Bangerz tour and the possibly erroneous statement: "As she twerks and teases onstage, Miley Cyrus' Bangerz tour is proving too hot for tweens — and it's inspiring a parent-led revolt." The revolution will be driving carpool!
Grade: D- (three hours bareback on a horse galloping in the rain)
OUR MEDICAL MIRACLE
Ok, we have never seen Teen Mom, but this is really touching: Leah from Teen Mom has a 4-year-old daughter, Aliannah, with a rare form of muscular dystrophy; despite being told that Aliannah would have to spend much of her life in a wheelchair, Leah revealed the magazine that her daughter is capable of running. Also, her family and fans are very supportive of Ali: "Until the day she doesn't walk, I'll never think that she won't," says her dad. I'm tearing up a lil bit. In other news, Snooki is maybe pregnant, although she hasn't announced anything officially. The one bit of evidence is that she's postponed her wedding, which is Great Gatsby-themed. I think that's the most notable part of this story, because one time Snooki told the New York Times that she'd only read two books in her life (Twilight and Dear John). Moving on: Christina Aguilera is definitely pregnant (she announced it earlier this week). InTouch takes this opportunity to remind us of the specter of baby weight and Christina's recent "impressive 49-pound weight loss following years of flaunting a fuller figure." BLERGH. Next: Bachelor Juan Pablo is the worst Bachelor ever, says everyone. According to an eyewitness at the show's Women Tell All special, which airs March 3, all the women unified against him in an impressive display of sisterhood. One contestant, Kelly (the one whose profession was literally listed as "Dog Lover"), has a gay dad and started to tear up when she brought up Juan Pablo's homophobic comments. Which bodes well for ratings, probably, because berating homophobes makes for great television.
Grade: D (walking for three miles with Juan Pablo talking to you)
AMAZING OLYMPICS STORIES
Hey, remember the Olympics? Shit happened. Some of it was cool. Now Meryl Davis and Charlie White are going to be on Dancing With the Stars. Cool. Also inside: Paula Patton has wanted to ditch Robin Thicke since last August, but with the Miley stuff and the mirror butt-grab situation, he "begged Paula to stay with him until the controversy had died down," says a source. Brooke Burke, the lady who used to stand next to the guy who hosts Dancing With the Stars, found out she'd been fired from the show just a few hours before it was announced. Erin Andrews is the new lady, and ABC hopes she will bring a "young male following." Snicker. The obligatory Juan Pablo article in this issue has details from the Tell All taping. Apparently Lucy goes off on the Bachelor star, and Kelly, whose dad is gay, brings up the homophobic quotes and cries. Meanwhile, former Bachelor Jef With One F Holm says of Juan Pablo: "He is, by far, the sleaziest Bachelor." Burn. The next Bachelorette will either be Andi or Renee, in case you were wondering. Last, but certainly not least, a two-page spread about "Lupita's Makeup Magic" will have you thinking you can pull off fuchsia gloss and green eyeshadow. Good luck! (Fig. 4)
Grade: D (skating for 3 minutes)
Fig. 1, from Ok!
Fig. 2, from Life & Style
Fig. 3, from Star
Fig. 4, from Us