Kate Middleton has, using the magical power of her female body, grown another human from a microscopic cell bundle into a fully-formed baby and today, she gave birth to a BOY. The boy, who I can say with a fair amount of certainty is not yet capable of controlling his own bowels, is third in line for the British throne. CNN says the baby weighed in at 8 lbs 6 oz.
According to a press release, mother and baby are doing just fine, and according to society, that baby is more important than you. Check back for updates.
(Casts aside frilly homemade BABY GIRL princess dress in disgust.)
UPDATE: According to Royalist, the baby was born at 4:24 pm local time which means that I've determined, USING MATH, that the tiny little Prince has been on earth for SEVERAL FUCKING HOURS now and I've been staring at a livestream of a hospital door like a FUCKING IDIOT for NO GODDAMN REASON.
UPDATE 2: CNN is reporting that it wasn't a Caesarean Section.
UPDATE 3: Victoria Arbiter, a contributor for CNN on the "royals" beat, just complimented Kate's expert royal-ness, as she "did well" to deliver a boy on her "first try." Ooooyyyyy.
UPDATE 5: Until we know THE ROYAL BABY's name, ABC is telling us that we should call him Baby Cambridge. Obey ABC, readers. Obey.
Prince William reports that his wife was squeezing the hell out of his hand during labor. Pour one out for Prince William's hand, all you mothers who understand just how much it can hurt to have your hand squeezed. Oops- that's actually a parody website. You Brits with your dry senses of humor; I can never tell when you're kidding!
UPDATE 7: They dyed the fountain in Trafalgar Square blue. Blue for boys!
UPDATE 8: Too soon, bro. Too soon.
Kate Middleton 1, Anne Boleyn 0— Ben Jacobs (@Bencjacobs) July 22, 2013
UPDATE 9: Prince Charles has issued the following statement,
Both my wife and I are overjoyed at the arrival of my first grandchild. It is an incredibly special moment for William and Catherine and we are so thrilled for them on the birth of their baby boy.
Grandparenthood is a unique moment in anyone’s life, as countless kind people have told me in recent months, so I am enormously proud and happy to be a grandfather for the first time and we are eagerly looking forward to seeing the baby in the near future.
The message was delivered to an adoring crowd via Owl Post. (Sorry; I have spent all day thinking of British things and now my brain is just a sputtering UK stereotype machine. Someone stop me before I get a Union Jack tattoo on me bum.)
UPDATE 10: Here's the Town Crier yelling about the baby. I guess I don't "get" the monarchy.
UPDATE 11: How many front pages will have the headline OH, BOY tomorrow? Just guess. I'm going to say 8.
UPDATE 12: Meanwhile, hundreds of al Qaeda prisoners have broken out of
Azkaban an Iraqi jail. NO, STOP WITH THE BAD NEWS A BABY KING HAPPENED!
UPDATE 13: Readers, darlings, because I give all the shits in the world about you having the best access to the most essential royal baby news, here's an excerpt from TODAY's Royal Baby Astrological forecast, sensitively titled ASTROLOGER: ROYAL BABY BOY WILL HONOR PRINCESS DIANA'S LEGACY.
More elements of Diana’s legacy can be seen in her grandchild’s powerful grand trine (astrologically favorable positioning of two celestial bodies) in the water element. In addition to a strong motivation toward social reform, he will have a highly developed sense of emotional awareness and spiritual attunement. Saturn in Scorpio can be very controlling, but also gives the desire to probe beneath the surface to get to the deepest truth. Neptune is in a very powerful placement in its natural sign of Pisces, bestowing both profound compassion and evolved spiritual sensibility. These planets are all trine Jupiter, exalted in Cancer, creating an easy flow of highly-developed emotional sensitivity.
Takeaway: bla bla bla this baby will be the King of Space.
UPDATE 14: Being a Republican in the U.K. is rad for many reasons, but mainly because it relieves you of your duty (doody?) of hearing more about his royal poopy pants.
Update 15: Third in line to the porcelain throne.