Kale vs. Broccoli: How to Get Americans to Eat Their Vegetables

In Sunday’s New York Times Magazine, reporter Michael Moss wrote about obnoxiously named Boulder ad agency Victor & Spoils creating a mock ad campaign for broccoli.

The agency came up with two approaches. The first was to pick a fight with “hipster” (their term) kale. The fake billboards and ads are very aesthetically pleasing and full of snappy attitude. Sample line: “Now 43% Less Pretentious Than Kale”.

The second was to tag broccoli as the “Alpha Vegetable”. The campaign included a stunt in which the agency would lift some broccoli by helicopter over a volcano and roast it, calling it “Extreme Brocking.” Yes, they presented that idea. I think the creative who came up with this idea should have to be in the helicopter, and the helicopter should have to do a tour of the Pacific Rim of Fire volcanoes, and it should have to hover over each active volcano for at least an hour. THAT would be “Extreme”.

Picking a fight with kale is an interesting idea, and one I approve of. Kale has become supercool, supersexy somehow. Sales are up significantly, worldwide. People are making posters for it. A psychiatrist even wrote a recipe book, titled: “50 Shades of Kale” It has become the Gwyneth Paltrow of vegetables.

Even though I’m an Irish hillbilly, I’ve eaten kale, and like many sane people, I don’t get the hype. Extremely good for you? Yes. Easy to grow? Yes. But, it’s hard to prepare properly and, relatively speaking when compared to other cabbages and green vegetables, pretty fucking bland. Most of the recipes I found for it involve bombing the fuck out of it with salt, butter, cheese, chile, etc.

In summation: Fuck kale.

But eat your vegetables! A sidebar piece to the main Times article invites readers to write slogans for five other unpopular vegetables. The paper says it will pick out some winners and have their art department create some mock ads.

You can go ahead and submit yours. But I bet you’ll have more fun writing them here, in the comments section. I’ve racked my brain for about five minutes to help you get started.

BROCCOLI:

IT’S WHAT’S FOR DINNER, IF YOU WANT TO LIVE.

A Damn Good-Looking Vegetable

BEETS:

You Can’t Beat Beets!

Like Borscht? That’s us.

TURNIPS:

We’re White And Bulbous, Like America.

DON’T YOU DARE TURN UP YOUR NOSE AT US.

CABBAGE:

It’s Not Just For Drunks on St. Patrick’s Day Anymore.

We’re So Much More Than Sauerkraut.

PEAS:

Living In Pods Before It Was Cool.

Little Green Friends You Eat

CAULIFLOWER:

Cauliflower Is For Lovers.

I HOLLA YOU HOLLA WE ALL HOLLA FOR CAULIFLOWA!