Sure, Justin Bieber said he's retiring, but how much can we really trust Justin Bieber? He drives around in a customized Batmobile and abandons pet monkeys in German airports. I'll bet he told that monkey, "Hang out here, bro. I'll be right back. Here's a hundo for the duty-free." That monkey is probably still smoking the carton of cigarettes he bought the day Justin Bieber abandoned him.

Bieber's "people" are now saying that people have somehow misunderstood the singer's retirement tweet, which read, "My beloved beliebers I'm officially retiring." I'll bet even proto-semiotician Ferdinand de Saussure would have a hard time not being so sure [chuckles] [slams face into desk] that Biebs meant precisely that his retirement is imminent, but the Biebs people are insisting that Canada's greatest living musician still has a ways to go before he beds down on his laurels forever. [TMZ]

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  • Let's be real with each other this morning — the only thing that really happened this weekend was the debut of Britney Spears's Vegas show, "Piece of Me." The rest of the internet is just boring "Best of '13" lists and pets grudgingly wearing foam reindeer antlers, so it shouldn't surprise anyone that, even a day and a half after Britney took the stage at the Planet Hollywood Hotel, Casino, and Repository for Arnold Schwarzenegger's Shedded Lizard Skins, people are still talking about how Britney painted Hulk abs onto her stomach as if she were some sort of living mural for unrealistic fitness goals. [Daily Mail]
  • Also, Britney would love to work with Jennifer Lopez sometime, preferably after the Road Warrior apocalypse when the new currency of the world is music and choreographed dancing. [E!]
  • Miley Cyrus and Kellen Lutz got all nasty on each other after the Britney concert, so people think they're dating now. [People]
  • Beyoncé and Jay Z got all nasty AND drunk on each other in an Atlantean club, 20,000 LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA. [TMZ]
  • Stevie Nicks does weddings now, but you have to let your first-born join her Fleetwood Mac cover band. [Vulture]
  • Here's a completely bonkers rumor that probably isn't true but would be awesome if it were: Denzel Washington is being considered for the role of John Stewart (one of the many Green Lanterns) in the upcoming Batman vs. Superman movie. [Yahoo!]
  • Dominic Monaghan might be in the new Star Wars movie, but he'd reprise his role from Lost to maintain continuity. [Yahoo!]
  • Two things: 1) There's a show on the Discovery Channel called Amish Mafia, and 2) a man in Pennsylvania named Imir Williams recently admitted to assaulting one of its stars, whose name (hold onto something) is Esther Schmucker. [Lancaster Online]
  • The rapper Doe B. was among the two people killed in a shooting Saturday that wounded six others in Alabama. [AP]
  • Lisa Niemi, Patrick Swayze's widow, has remarried. [People]
  • April 10 has been declared "Nirvana Day" by a small town in Washington called Hoquiam, which is near Kurt Cobain's home of Aberdeen. [Spin]
  • Joaquin Phoenix is so simple and boring that it's not even worth writing down an entire interview with him because he'll just sit and stare placidly at the wall, muttering things like, "Fine weather we've been having," and, "I'm swell, thanks for the inquiry." [Daily Mail]
  • Gross. [TMZ]

Image via AP