Ughhhhhh, Justin Bieber's new song "Hold Tight" is so shitty, you guys. From the opening line in which someone creepily whispers "every birthday, every birthday" (thanks for that, by the way — my ear really needed a good molesting this afternoon) until Bieber's last warbled "OOoooOOOoO," it's just non-stop awful. BUT it's not just awful awful, it's $EXXXY AWFUL — or, as JBiebs would have you believe, awfully $EXXXY.

Gone are Bieber's sugary pop days of crooning "Baby, baby, baby, ohhhhh." With "Hold Tight," he wants you to know that he's a man now and, like, has totally gotten a blow job before. Don't believe him? WELL, COULD A PERSON WHO'S NEVER GOTTEN A BLOW JOB SING LYRICS LIKE THIS???

Don't let this go to your head
But you're the best, I've ever had
Not to mention
That thing is swollen
You got me oh so in a trance

Something like a ziploc, but a lip lock
Want you wrapped around me like a wrist watch
Oh, so hard walking out
Got me stuck like crazy glue, ooh

To be fair, a chimp with an erection could sing those lyrics, but you get it.

Baby Biebs is now a man and a man with a plan, at that. The plan = to put his swollen "thing" in a lady's mouth.

THE KIDS ARE ALRIGHT.