We’re all being played. I know it’s hard to admit, seeing as how we’re intelligent people, but it’s true. A typical manipulator would play their audience like, oh, a violin. But a true master goes deeper. They make their audience convince themselves that they’re in on the con—a step ahead of the grift—only to find out that they’re not being played like a violin at all. Because, though they may look and sound just like violin—typical audiences of typical celebrity misdirection—they are actually being treated like special, secret, melody-makers playable by a single artist. And that artist holding the bow is none other than Kris Jenner.

Last night, Rob turned the wild, pseudo-triumphant narrative of the past week—one in which he escapes the clutches of his famous family and gets revenge by dating one of their sworn enemies as a way of improving his own emotional and physical well-being—on its head with two adoring photos of his mother. More specifically, two photos of his mother’s hands. The very hands that pull every string of the Kardashian-Jenner clan.

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His two captions were:

“Hey mama [eggplant][eggplant][eggplant][eggplant][heart eyes][heart eyes][heart eyes]”

And:

“hey pretty mama [heart eyes][heart eyes][heart eyes] @krisjenner.”

But before you go and start thinking the eggplant suggests some kind of Oedipus complex, take a look at a caption Rob himself left on The Shade Room’s coverage of the photos:

We think we know where this is headed, and then we get eggplant soup.

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Egg.

Plant.

Soup.

To make matters worse, there’s this rumor in Blind Gossip.

To quote Jezebel’s Managing Editor Kate Dries: “At what point will this whole thing make me faint?”


Anyway.

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Here’s Wendy Williams on Rita Ora:


  • Teresa Giudice’s book tour stops will be...limited by her parole. [Radar Online]
  • Kim and Kanye are NOT splitting up, and tagged their own house to prove it. [TMZ]
  • Leonardo DiCaprio does NOT practice Kabbalah, despite everything his cute lil red bracelet suggests. [Page Six]
  • Caitlyn Jenner had secret “Girls’ Nights” at home in the years before coming out. [People]
  • Rita Ora is not dating Gerard Butler... [Gossip Cop]
  • ...She is dating a man named “Bridge.” [Daily Mail]

Contact the author at bobby@jezebel.com.

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Images via Instagram.