Welcome to Would U?, an academic forum in which I share my gross crush of the week and ask if you, too, would bang that person.

Advertisement

From the Obamacare ruling to the legalization of gay marriage, a lot of right-wing nightmares have come true in the past week or so. What’s next, am I right, Scalia? Well, actually, what’s next is that everybody wants to fuck a gorilla.

And what is so crazy about that, prudes?!? Shabani is a well-traveled stay-at-home dad with gigantic muscles and a penchant for older women (his babymama Nene is 24 years his senior). Reports proliferated last week of young Japanese women “flocking” to see him at the Higashiyama Zoo and Botanical Gardens, posting photos with the hashtags #Ikemen and #ikumen, meaning “hot young guy” and “hands-on dad.” According to CNN, “About 100 admirers constantly surround his exhibit, shouting “Look at me, Shabani!” and “This way, Shabani!” whenever he comes out.”

And now, #Shabani fever has made its way stateside. Cosmopolitan likes this gorilla. Rashida Jones likes this gorilla. Chrissy Teigen would for sure go out with this gorilla:

Would U, though, Chrissy? Would all of U?

It would be cool if everyone could quit playing games:

Last time on Would U?, Madeleine Davies asked: Would you have sex with Richard Harrow, Boardwalk Empire’s half-faced man? 54% of you answered “Of course I would have sex with Richard Harrow. He sacrificed his face for our country,” 20% answered “I would have sex with Richard Harrow, but only if he kept the mask on,” 15% answered “I would not have sex with Richard Harrow, but I would have sex with Jack Huston,” 8% answered “I would not have sex with either of them,” and 3% answered “I would have sex with Richard Harrow, but only if he left the mask off.”


Lede image via screenshot/CNN and Shutterstock, poll images via Shutterstock.

Advertisement

Advertisement

Contact the author at ellie@jezebel.com.