If you hate something but beautiful people love it, that thing has to be Good, right? Wrong. So wrong. Damn—so, so wrong. Sad you would even think that, honestly?

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I thought that because green juices tasted like the feeling of being curb-stomped into a meadow, they had to have the power to give me at least one Gigi Hadid tit, but they don’t. Many people already know it, but the New York Times could tell that I was feeling vulnerable today and decided to remind us that juices have nothing to do with some vague idea of “toxins” (the only toxins that need ridding in this body are 20 years of the borderline eating disorder that comes with being a woman, am I right?).

“The human body is well designed to eliminate wastes and toxins, and a number of organs play a role,” said Dr. James H. Grenedell, chief of the division of gastroenterology, hepatology, and nutrition at Winthrop-University Hospital to the Times, noting that this is the primary role of the kidneys and liver.

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Juices are “hard to understand because there is no good scientific evidence that a juice cleanse, or any other food for that matter, is particularly relevant to removing toxins,” he said. They do—at least the ones that actually have parts of the fruits and vegetables in them—have vitamins and antioxidants.

One juice proponent Dr. Woodson Merrell argued that juice is good because Americans need to eat more vegetables and fruits: “The whole thing about juice is it makes that easier to get.”

Moral: Drink thick juice like a normal person, and deal with your toxins in a productive way, like by becoming more successful than the people you went to high school with.


Image via Shebeko/Shutterstock.