John Boehner Issues Obama 'Takedown' Via Taylor Swift Gif Listicle

In what is surely a false flag operation designed to redirect attention from Speaker of the House John Boehner’s simmering unpopularity, close call with a country club would-be murderer and insightful suggestions that President Obama has “forgotten” what the Constitution “means”—the official Speaker.Gov website is now featuring a Gif Listicle Hottest of Takes on Obama’s proposal to facilitate two free years of community college for millions of Americans: students who are studying at least half-time in programs that are either vocational in high-demand fields or that offer credit towards a four-year degree.

This is an expensive plan, but a good one. Tom Hanks wrote a surprisingly affecting op-ed at the New York Times about his two years at a $95/semester community college, voicing support for Obama’s plan:

More veterans, from Iraq and Afghanistan this time, as well as another generation of mothers, single parents and workers who have been out of the job market, need lower obstacles between now and the next chapter of their lives. High school graduates without the finances for a higher education can postpone taking on big loans and maybe luck into the class that will redefine their life’s work. Many lives will be changed.

Here representing the other side are two minions for our orange-as-fuck Speaker, making their compelling and government-sponsored counter-proposal via Taylor Swift GIFs. Here is the full text of their argument.

1. Last week, President Obama announced his latest idea to provide “free” community college to millions of Americans. It sounded exciting at first…

2. But then, we got to thinking…

3. Free?! Is he using magic money? Nothing is free. So we did a little math.

4. Turns out…when President Obama said “free” what he meant was “60 Billion dollars over 10 years.” Not even all the Taylor Swift album sales in the world would cover that bill.

5. Still, 60 billion dollars is a lot of money…you can’t just shake it off.

6. And the president knows full well there’s no blank space in the taxpayers’ checkbook.

7. Does that mean he intends try to pay for his “free” plan with a tax increase on millions of Americans?

8. Or does it mean he wants to pile up more debt on the very young people this idea is supposed to help?

9. Even then: college STILL wouldn’t be free – there are all kinds of other fees and costs – not unlike all the higher costs we’re seeing in this tough economy.

10. Wait, wouldn’t it be better if we just worked together to lower costs for folks across the board and improve our children’s education?

11. Looks like an apology is in order, Mr. President…

12. We’re not mad. She’s just disappointed.

BONUS GIF: Thank you for reading.

My question is: are they that fucking stupid, or do they just think we are that fucking stupid? Or is anyone who sharpens their ideological position on current events via a politician’s official blog definitely that fucking stupid? Why does this read like a young child trying to convince his mom that he didn’t shit the bed—the dog did? Am I giving these “Free…….. IS HE USING MAGIC MONEY????” idiot trolls exactly what they want?

Yes, probably. I’d rather believe that than further consider the idea that people are so ignorant of basic economic functionality that they could be compelled by the stoned-future-libertarian-seventh-grader revelation that “free” is a transitive rather than an essential property.

Here is one good suggestion, at the LA Times, on how this community college program could be funded:

Recalibrate some of our corporate subsidies (hello, Big Oil and coal – $21 billion a year, according to one estimate – and Big Ag – $14 billion a year, per this estimate). Taxpayers for Common Sense count $3.38 billion in the most recent budget for military programs the Pentagon doesn’t want (apparent gifts to weapons and other military contractors). We have the money. We just don’t spend it on the right things.