• Deryck Whibley of the band Sum 41, who some of you might recognize as Avril Lavigne's ex-husband, was attacked last night in Japan, according to his band mates:

[Philadelphia, April 10. Image via Getty.]

• Wanda Sykes' White House Correspondents' Dinner performance was pretty funny , but some conservatives, including Meghan McCain, aren't laughing because they're too busy feigning outrage for the cameras. [C-SPAN, ABC News, NY Daily News]

• Hillary Clinton is having a lottery to retire her campaign debt — and the prizes are a day in New York with Bill, one in D.C. with James Carville, or American Idol tickets. [Washington Post]

• Actor Kal Penn is joining the Obama Administration as a public relations guy, meaning that speechwriter Jon Favreau will soon be giving up his trophy as the hottest youngster in the Administration. [Huffington Post]

• Did Joe Biden's daughter Ashley, a social worker, really snort coke in Delaware with her boyfriend and some non-friends or is some dickhead just trying to exploit her noteriety? [NY Daily News, NY Daily News]

[Washington, D.C., March 25. Image via AP.]

[Baltimore, January 17. Image via Getty.]

• ... [wipes drool]
• Barack Obama is on vacation with his family in Kailua, Hawai'i this week. [Huffington Post]

• Enough states' electors have cast ballots for Obama by now that, today, he was officially elected President of the United States. [MSNBC]

• Now that it's been a full year of shitty economic news, we are officially in a recession and have been for a year. Aren't you glad to know? [MSNBC]
• The market is not glad to know, and it slid almost 700 points after learning the obvious. [NY Times]
• In other obvious news, Condoleezza Rice doesn't plan to give much advice to Hillary Clinton. What advice she does give, we're guessing Clinton doesn't plan on following. [MSNBC]
• Bill Clinton is pretty happy about Hillary's nomination, though. [Real Clear Politics]

• Barack Obama made it official with Tim Geithner today, announcing that he will nominate Geither to the Treasury Department. Former Treasury Secretary Larry "Math Is Hard For Girls" Summers is headed to the top of the White House Economic Council and Berkeley economics professor Christina Romer will head the Council of Economic Advisers. Betcha she does math pretty well. [NY Times]
• Former Joe Biden aide Ted Kaufman has been appointed to fill Biden's Senate seat for two years, at which point everyone in the state assumes he'll quietly step down and let the currently-deployed Beau Biden run for it. [Associated Press]
• Susan Rice, who most people thought was about to get dicked over when it leaked that Jim Jones will head the National Security Council, is actually in the running to be our Ambassador to the U.N. [Washington Independent]
• Former Iowa governor Tom Vilsack swears he's not in the running to be Secretary of Agriculture. [Washington Post]

• The Republican Governor's Association meeting (supposedly starring Sarah Palin) kicked off today with a comedy routine from Minnesota governor Tim Pawlenty, who was once considered for the VP slot. Pawlenty said that the Republican Party "needs more than a comb-over" and that "Drill, baby, drill, by itself, is not an energy policy." [Time, Politico]
• Former GOP pollster/strategist Frank Luntz took his turn shitting on the party and McCain today, too, saying, among other things, that "Stevie Wonder reads a teleprompter better than John McCain." Luntz, who was a GOP star in 1994, is so far up Newt Gringrich's ass that he knows what donor's cock Gincrich just finished sucking to fund his campaign in 2012 from the taste alone. [Politico]
• Sarah Palin thinks they should put a woman on the GOP ticket in 2012, because there's no way all the PUMAs can die by then. [Huffington Post]

• Obama's announced his transition team co-chairs — the folks that will help pave the way for his Administration, not a shadow Cabinet — and it includes John Podesta, Pete Rouse (Obama's Senate Chief of Staff) and Valerie Garrett. The advisory board to the co-chairs includes former EPA head Carol Browner; former Commerce Secretary William Daley; former transportation secretary Federico Peña; Obama national security adviser Susan Rice; and Governor Janet Napolitano. Don't expect to see those names on a future list of official appointments, though. [Washington Post]
• Obama's first official appointment will, however, be Congressman Rahm Emanuel. [NY Times]
• Four Senate races remain undecided: Alaska and Oregon are too close to call; Minnesota is likely to have an automatic recount; and Georgia's results require a runoff. [CNN]
• But, the anti-abortion "personhood" amendment in Colorado and the abortion ban in South Dakota went down by wide margins. [Denver Post, Argus Leader]

• Sarah Palin gave an interview to CNN's Drew Griffin, who only had to provide his viewers with misleading information on Troopergate and ACORN to get it. Try not to throw things against the screen when you watch it. [CNN, Huffington Post]
• By the way, although she said in that interview that she's excited to work on American's energy independence, she pushed the federal government to allow natural gas exports. The U.S. imports 771 billion cubic feet last year, and Alaska exported 100 billion. [CBS]
• Oh, and while she's running around mocking Joe Biden's statement that the Obama Administration might face an international crisis, CNN pointed out that the Cuban Missile Crisis started off Kennedy's Administration; the fall of Saigon, Ford's; the first World Trade Center bombing, Clinton's; and 9/11, Bush's. Silly facts. [Hotline]

• Happy New Year, little Jewzebels. It's starting off pretty rocky, but we guided you through the rough shoals of the VP debates with a steady hand and a drunken heart.
• This Palin supporter sounded like she was drunk with her garbled endorsement of the moosetest with the mostest.
• Times are tough for this country, and for weepy Prodge Run contestants.
• You know who always has a stiff upper lip and a lot of fun? "Spinsters."
• Thankfully we can reminisce fondly about the days before we knew what a mortgage was. Check out the Jezebel school pictures and remember this: the older they are, the cuter they ain't.
• You know what else ain't cute? Elisabeth Hasselbeck when she gets all yelly.