This week, Maxim magazine revealed its annual list of the hottest 100 women Maxim editorial assistants could find this year and arbitrarily ranked them based on a top secret sexability formula made with 11 herbs and spices. Here at Jezebel, we're above that superficial bullshit* and have fashioned a similarly arbitrary list based on the men with the 100 best personalities we could find. Did your personality spank bank fodder make it?
Before we dive into Jezebel's First And Possibly Only Annual Hot Personality 100 List, here's a little background on how we picked the members of this list, and why they occupy the places they occupy in the rankings:
One afternoon, we all brainstormed for about an hour about men who did funny and cool things and then compiled them into a completely arbitrary list, in much the same way we imagine Maxim makes its list but with fewer craven publicist wars. Some of these men are very conventionally physically attractive; others are less symmetrical. But who the fuck cares? It's what's inside that counts, most of the time.
100. 1995 Rust Cohle
Why? Because he's smart and hard working and really gives a shit.
99. The guy who pierced Hillary's Nose
Hillary reports that he was super chill.
98. Bobby Moynihan
SNL's unsung linchpin, in our humble opinion.
97. Tim Curry
Even as Pennywise the evil clown in Stephen King's It, Tim Curry seems like a fun dude to be around.
The best kind of relationship is one you can just be quiet around each other, you know?
95. Julian & Joaquín Castro
These identical twins are the Mayor of San Antonio and the Congressman from Texas's 112th district, respectively. Normally, identical twins are creepy, but these dudes seem cool.
94. Jon Hamm as Liz Lemon's stupid hook-hands boyfriend
93. Super chill old tortoises that kids can ride on
92. Elliot Stabler from Law & Order: SVU
He's always seconds from losing it and beating the shit out of a "perp" or general asshole, but he makes up for his lack of impulse control by keeping a straight face during some truly cheesy dialogue.
91. Stephen Fry
Everybody loves a brainiac.
90. Former President Jimmy Carter
Not a great President, but seems like a great guy.
89. Richard Ayoade
10/10 would hang out with.
88. Alan Alda
Outspoken feminist and overall adorable man.
87. Neil Patrick Harris
On this list because he managed to make one of the most douchey, predatory characters in the history of non-Two & A Half Men television somewhat likable. Give this guy his own variety show so we can all hang out with him at once!
86. The male roommates on New Girl
Who wouldn't want to wear sweatpants with Coach, Schmidt, Nick and Winston? Hell, we'd nonsexually share a pair of sweatpants with them.
85. The dudes who run Khim's Millennial Mart who keep Kate shopping there even though it's really overpriced
We have independently verified that everything there is very overpriced. But the man who works behind the counter — especially the older one — has very kind eyes. We're sure he's using the money for something good, like dental school for his son or educational field trips for his daughter.
84. Dr. Jake Houseman from Dirty Dancing
In the words of Madeleine Davies, who nominated him: "He's so noble! And you can't go wrong with Jerry Orbach."
83. Robin Hood (the Disney cartoon)
Real talk: Robin Hood is one of the few Disney protagonists that wasn't kind of a douche.
82. Felix from Orphan Black
81. George Takei
Imagine being at a party with George Takei. Imagine how much fun you'd have.
80. Willy Wonka (as portrayed by Gene Wilder)
Ladies love a big, throbbing imagination. And that's kind of Willy Wonka's whole thing.
79. Billy Eichner
Nobody but Rihanna is having more fun than Billy Eichner right now. And we want in.
78. Cord Jefferson
Former Gawker staffer Cord Jefferson has moved on to greener (TV) pastures, but that doesn't mean that the Jezebel staff has forgotten about him. Not only is he a consensus dreamboat, he's the sort of person who never seems like he's looking around the room while he's talking to you.
Also, he doesn't seem to realize how hot he is. Which is itself hot. Sorry, Cord.
77. John Darnielle of the Mountain Goats
Writes beautiful music and says beautiful things. The type of man a lady can wear her glasses around.
76. Jon Huntsman
Ex Utah Governor with a close knit, goofy family and an assured, reasonable vibe. We all want to trick or treat at his house so badly.
75. Jon Stewart and his 3-legged pit bull named Dipper
This concludes the Jo(h)n section of this list.
74. W. Kamau Bell
Totally Biased was a great show partially because Bell seemed totally cool.
Once we went to a post-show DJ set he did at a bowling alley and it was one of the most fun nights we've had since moving to New York City. And this is a fun-ass town.
72. Michael Strahan
He miraculously makes morning TV slightly less awful.
71. Sheriff Bart, as played by Cleavon Little in the film Blazing Saddles
The world would be better off with more Sheriff Barts and fewer Hedley Lamarrs.
69. NBA Commissioner Adam Silver
For bringing the hammer down hard on Donald Sterling, who America is united in hating.
68. Neville Longbottom
Kate reports that Neville Longbottom smells fantastic.
Also everyone picked on him and he still grew up cool. That takes some resilience. He could have easily Draco'd out.
67. Mark's partner who sends him every interesting link he can find with the subject line "FOR JEZEBEL!!!!"
Mark's partner is adorable.
66. Benedict Cumberbatch
Seems like he'd make you a pot of tea and keep you entertained with alternating wild-eyed and deadpan impressions of English historical figures (also, hot).
65. Richard Lawson
We want Vanity Fair's pop culture king to narrate and review everything. If we had our way with Richard Lawson, he'd be working constantly, so hard that he fell ill with exhaustion in a matter of weeks.
64. Rich Juzwiak
Can verify that he's fun as hell.
63. John C. Reilly
Brilliant on films like Magnolia, hilarious on films like Stepbrothers, and whenever we hear him in interviews we just wanna raw dog with his brain.
62. Andy Samberg
He's a human Pixie Stick.
61. Harry Styles' haircut
Never has such boyish sass been so successfully conveyed in one tousling.
60. Bryan Cranston
Remember when he was on Humans of New York and said that cute, cute, cute thing about his wife and fireflies?