Illustration by Sam Woolley.

“Firework,” wrote Team Gawker’s Ashley Feinberg in Slack, the office group chat program, after being reminded about an Olympic challenge she had forgotten to participate in.


On Monday, August 8, the first day of the Jezebel Olympic games, I sent an email instructing our competitors to begin quietly incorporating Katy Perry (singer of the official Olympic song, “Rise”) lyrics into their blogs, with the note that at the end of the two week period, whoever had the most would be the winner. Every few days I would drop into the Olympic slack to remind the competitors of the long game.

Ultimately, there was a stark division in dedication to the task—teams either completely forgot, or, in Team Celebrity’s case, conscientiously objected to the event (they forgot), or competed capably and aggressively. Here are the results:

Team Gawker:


Team Deadmodo:


Team Celebrity:

Conscientious objectors. (Forgot.)

Team Fashion

Tweeting About the Olympics Got Leslie Jones a Trip to Rio and a New Gig by Kate Dries
“Though it’s unclear in what capacity Jones will be contributing to the broadcast, victory is indeed in her veins.”



Last Night’s Real Housewives of Orange County Turned Into ‘Real Housewives of Orange Cunty’ by Madeleine Davies
“They’ve been on TV for a full decade and—boom boom boom, even brighter than the moon moon moon—never once have they gotten boring or let us down.”

Those Swedes Jack Won His Titanic Tickets from Must Have Been Really Happy to be Losers by Madeleine Davies
“You could travel the world, but nothing comes close... to not dying on the Titanic.”

Chicken Is a Bad Meat by Madeleine Davies
“Allow me to come atcha like a dark horse and tell you some truths about chicken.”


Can You Guess Which ‘Candyasses’ Have Infuriated the Rock on the Set of Fast 8? by Madeleine Davies
“Whomever it is, the Rock is wide awake to their bullshit.”

Lest You Forget That Orlando Bloom and Katy Perry Are Fucking by Madeleine Davies
“Do they ever feel... like two plastic bags... full of fat and glands... Katy Perry’s cans.” [This is the whole article.]


Like a Mean Dad Turning Off the TV and Telling You to Go Outside, Hulu Will End Free Service by Madeleine Davies
“You don’t have to feel like a waste of space.”

Team Sex:

Welcome to Jezebel’s Senior Week by Emma Carmichael
“The sale shouldn’t affect you much one way or the other as a reader, but we’re still going to take advantage of the situation to rock the boat and make a mess.”


Celebrities Insist They Actually Like Derek Blasberg by Ellie Shechet
“As Blasberg’s friend Katy Perry would say, if she weren’t busy fucking Orlando Bloom: ‘So you wanna play with magic? Derek, you should know what you’re falling for!’”

Note to Bachelor Nation: Lacey Chabert Is Not on Bachelor in Paradise by Ellie Shechet
“Bachelor Nation confuses Bachelor in Paradise dark horse Lace for Lacey Chabert.”


This Is #SponCon by Clover Hope
“You don’t have to feel like a waste of space”
“Damn I can’t believe it.”

Nail Salon Owners Continue Protests in Front of New York Times Building by Clover Hope
“The owners were seen loudly protesting, louder, louder like a lion.”

Stranger Things Sparks Demand for Pudding Snack by Clover Hope
“...a show that’s supernatural, extra terrestrial.”
“Some may think there’s no going back...”
“Don’t walk away. It’s in the palm of your hand now, baby!”


This Game Show Based on the Shazam App Will Have Us Yelling at the TV, Possibly Kill Us by Clover Hope
“Can you name this tune?—‘I knew you were/You were gonna come to me/And here you are/But you better choose carefully/’Cause I, I’m capable of anything/Of anything and everything.’”

No Taylor Swift Album in October, Says Label Rep by Clover Hope
“Clearly, everything you see ain’t always what it seems.”


Who Will Play George W. Bush and Condoleezza Rice in the Next American Crime Story? by Clover Hope
“Well, if it’s not like the movies, that’s how it should be.”

Please Explain Fencing to Me by Clover Hope
“I must stay conscious through the madness and chaos.”


Beware the Flying Cockroaches by Clover Hope
“Look out for them as they shoot across the sky.”


MVPs: Clover Hope and Madeleine Davies

Gold medal: Team Sex


Silver medal: Team Fashion

Bronze medal: No one.


Failed to place: Team Fashion, Team Deadmodo, Team Gawker.

Current Standings:

Team Celebrity: 3 Silver medals, 1 Bronze medal


Team Sex: 4 Gold medals, 1 Silver medal, 1 Bronze medal

Team Fashion: 2 Silver medals, 3 Bronze medals

Team Deadmodo: 2 Gold medals, 1 Silver medal, 1 Bronze medal


Team Gawker: 2 Gold medal, 1 Silver medal, 2 Bronze medals