Illustration by Sam Woolley.

When I lit the Jezebel Olympic torch (turned on my stove) on Monday, August 8, and paraded it around the Olympic stadium (cooked an egg on top of it), I never could have known how eventful the next two weeks would be, and what a hollow mood this awards ceremony (me screaming into my freezer) would have.

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How could I have known that we would see a series of unmatched victories by Team Sex that would define the group as one of the greatest squads in Olympic history? That I would make as many enemies as friends? That one of the teams’ websites would cease to exist?

There were some highlights: When Team Sex’s Emma Carmichael swept the Olympic-naming competition; When Hamilton Nolan made so many more trash can baskets than he had to, and Bobby Finger’s historic comeback to win a silver medal; When Madeleine Davies, Gabrielle Bluestone, and Clover Hope demonstrated extraordinary knowledge of Real Housewives, making for a memorable race; When Team Deadmodo tweeted an independently good tweet for the love of competition; When Ashley Feinberg manipulated a group of 20 adults in order to force an event she knew she could win.

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Hope quickly distinguished herself as Most Valuable Player, competing, and often winning, in six of the nine events.

“It was a sad day to be the best at everything,” she said of the honor. “And everyone was a good sport!”

Overall Standings:

All-Around Team Gold: Team Sex (4 Gold medals, 1 Silver medal, 1 Bronze medal = 15 points)

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All-Around Team Silver: Team Gawker (2 Gold medal, 1 Silver medal, 2 Bronze medals = 10 points)

All-Around Team Bronze: Team Deadmodo (2 Gold medals, 1 Silver medal, 1 Bronze medal = 9 points)

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Tied for Fourth Place: Team Fashion (2 Silver medals, 3 Bronze medals = 7 points) and Team Celebrity (3 Silver medals, 1 Bronze medal = 7 points)

Congratulations to the competitors, and God bless America.