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My pussy feels like Judas, complicated and primed for betrayal. What biblical figure does your pussy feel like? More »
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Have you ever thought about whether God thinks you're fat? Well, maybe you should start. At least that's what Pastor Rick Warren — bestselling author and pastor at one of the largest megachurches in the nation — thinks. He's got a new diet plan that he's pulled from scripture, and he's poised to lead his whole congregation to the promised land where everyone has a healthy body mass index and no one eats too many carbs. You know, just like in the Bible. More »
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If you thought Fox News was going to take a break from being completely obnoxious for the holidays, you were sadly mistaken. In a move that can only be described as asinine, Fox Latin America put up a poll on Facebook asking their followers who they thought was responsible for the death of Jesus Christ. Here were the three possible answers: Pontius Pilate, the Jewish People, or the High Priests. More »
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Christmas falls on a Sunday this year, which, in my day, would've meant killing two birds with one stone and only having to go to church once this week. But not in 2011, The Year of the WTF. Rather than rolling out the red carpet for Baby Jesus's magic birthday, some churches are actually canceling or scaling back services on Sunday so that their parishoners and clergy can spend the day doing more Christmassy things like opening presents, eating, and watching Wal-Mart commercials with The Nutcracker Suite playing in the background. More »
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Women wear heels for many reasons — to look long-legged, to stand at eye level with taller men, because they have Barbie feet. I, for one, wear heels so that if I'm attacked while walking to or from the train, my footwear can double as a weapon, plus, "My goodness gracious, how do you not break your neck?" is a great conversation starter with strangers concerned about the well being of my skeleton. One blogger, however sees things a little differently. More »
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Evangelical voters are apparently turning away from Mitt Romney and embracing Michele Bachmann. Reason: "she speaks our code." More »
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In the video for Lady Gaga's "Judas," Jesus has cornrows. The disciples are a leather-clad motorcycle gang. Gaga wears a bikini top featuring nipple-hiding crosses, and folks are anointed with holy water and beer. But as Gaga tells E!: More »
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"Jesus is my virtue, and Judas is the demon I cling to," Gaga sings in her new track, "Judas." The Madonna enthusiast is in her "Like A Prayer" phase, guys! Although: There are moments when it kind of sounds like she's saying "Jew, ah, ah." So maybe you can play the tune at Seder while looking for the Afikoman. In any case, as you may know, Judas was the dude who betrayed Jesus for cash. And Gaga gets all New Testament on us, hollering: More »
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See a preacher rid a woman of her literal inner demons after proclaiming she's a spirit named "Jezebel." How does he perform his magic? By making the poor woman throw up into a waste basket in front of a cheering crowd of people, of course! More »
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Working out instead of going to church actually seems like a good idea. Your body is a temple! More »
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Here's our how-to guide for shopping for how-to enthusiasts. Have your crafty friends make their own damn presents using supplies, kits, organizers, and books that make perfect presents for DIY-ers. More »
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Little frankfurter Jesus appears to be swaddled in ham. The Christ on a cracker jokes write themselves. More »
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Summer's basically over, which means Christmas is right around the corner. That is, according to the folks at Bronner's: This catalog arrived in the mail right before the Labor Day weekend. More »
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Following a controversial cover that was, weirdly, apparently "a tribute to Nobel Prize-winning author Jose Saramago's The Gospel According to Jesus Christ," Playboy has canceled its Portuguese edition: More »
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Tumblr Tea Party Jesus lets Christ repeat quotes from those who claim to be his most devout followers. Apparently Jesus hates feeding hungry children as much as Rush Limbaugh, and shares Sharron Angle's harsh views on abortion. [TeaPartyJesus via Buzzfeed] More »
]]> http://jezebel.com/index.php?op=postcommentfeed&postId=5577737&view=rss&microfeed=true Happy 420! In this very special episode of Pot Psychology, Rich and I go to The Holy Land Experience in Orlando, Florida. Mostly, we paid an entrance fee to spend money on crap in the souvenir shop. More »
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Two things about this picture: 1. Is it just me or could this dude be cute if he didn't look so awkward? 2. He is clearly skilled at grease-painting - but not so much at making bacon. [Mirror] More »
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An eight-year-old boy was sent home from school last week for drawing himself on a cross, leading us to recall (and solicit) things we wrote or drew that freaked out the adults around us. More »
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In the video after the jump, Barbara Brame of South Carolina claims she sees the face of Jesus on her kitchen curtains. We can't see it, but Brame warns, "You better stop thinking it's crazy and believe in God." [Buzzfeed] More »
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On last night's I'm a Celebrity…, Janice told Stephen Baldwin about a nightmare she had; Stephen interpreted it as proof that Janice's subconscious needs to be saved by Jesus. She cried, saying, "I don't want to be who I am." More »
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If you're anything like me, you'll think terrible thoughts all through this video. Like, doesn't that guy in the overalls seem a little overfamiliar with his puppet companion? LOOK AWAY, overall man! [Via Videogum] More »
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• John McCain has decided that since everyone is annoyed at him for lying and being a dick when he's called out on it, he's going to say Obama is lying and being a dick when he's called out on it. That's still lying, John, you're missing the point here. [Gawker]
• He was then promptly called out for lying again, not that he cares. [Swampland]
• And for being all for anti-abortion terrorists and their rights to harass and commit acts of violence against women and reproductive health care providers. Even better? Nancy PfotenhauerPfuckingsucks set him up for it by mistake. [Think Progress]
• He's probably still wondering why Obama is ahead in the national polls, though. [CNN]

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Dear Mark Heard, More »
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Sister Barbara Markey, a Roman Catholic nun, has pleaded guilty of stealing from the Omaha Archdiocese and gambling the money away. Sister Barbara stole more than $1,500 and faces up to 20 years in prison when she is sentenced in July. This report doesn't say what she was gambling on, but we hope it wasn't something like dogfights. Jeez. [CNN] More »
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Natalie Portman is sick of being offered the same degrading roles over and over again. "It's the virgin-whore thing in evidence to the greatest extent. That's really been bothering." In non-hooker casting news, Bollywood star Mallika Sherawat is playing a female yogi in The Aquarian Gospel , a film based on the myth that Jesus visited India. Also, Mad Men's January Jones has been cast in The Boat That Rocked alongside Kenneth Branagh and Rhys Ifans. The Boat is about pirate DJs (seriously). January plays an American woman who visits the DJs on the boat and falls in love with Ifans. They had us at "pirate DJs." [Mirror, Reuters, Variety] More »
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What would Jesus do? Not slather himself in body cream, clearly. Singapore has halted sales of a cosmetics line with the motto "Looking Good for Jesus" and products that claim to "redeem your reputation and more." (The body cream in question, incidentally, is called "Get Tight With Jesus Body Cream.") "These products trivialize Jesus Christ and Christianity," said one of the company's opponents. Yeah, we prefer nondenominational miracle-creams. [MSNBC] More »
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Whoever designed this light-switch cover is awesome for making it look like Jesus is showing his boner to two children...whether intentional or not. (Click on image to see full size.) [Playgirl] More »
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Thomas Nelson, the publishers of the on-again, off-again Lynne Spears' "parenting guide" say the book is on-again...and won't be taking the form of a parenting guide at all. Says a press release issued by the "leading provider of Bibles, products, and live events emphasizing Christian, inspirational and family value themes": "From the onset, the media have inaccurately reported that Lynne Spears' book is a parenting book. I'm sure this helps fuel tabloid readership, but it is simply not true. Lynne's memoir will provide a window into the real-life world of fame and worldly success... We believe in redemption. Therefore, we are standing with Lynne and her family during this difficult time. Though the book has been delayed, we believe God is at work. The story is still being written, and we are confident in His ability to turn ashes into beauty" (Isaiah 61:3)." [Thomas Nelson] More »
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We had heard that Elisabeth Hasselbeck wasn't an insane Republican Jesus freak before she married into the Hasselbeck clan. We were skeptical, because she seems too scary to have just picked up these habits within the past decade, but after reading the profile today's Boston Globeon EH's mother-in-law, Betsy Hasselbeck (wait, does this mean that Tim Hasselbeck's wife and mother are both named Elisabeth?) we are sure of it: The Hasselbecks are definitely running some sort of a cult. Maybe Elisabeth was actually a nice normal girl before she got involved with them! Because Betsy is scary. When her husband Don played tight end for the New England Patriots, she apparently implemented a nightly practice regime for him where he had to catch 500 passes in a row in their backyard. Miss one in the last 100? Start all over again. Just like Jesus would have done? More »
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Here's an addendum to that class-action suit against God: the fact that "Models For Christ" is an actual thing and not a cruel joke made up by the producers of unscripted 2006 MTV reality show 8th & Ocean. Because there is something so Christlike about the idea of a prayer group exclusively for people in the most-attractive hundredth of a percent of the gene pool who get hideously overpaid to do coke all day selling unattainable standards of beauty to young consumers so they can vainly seek them in jeans and polo shirts made in Dickensian conditions by desperate migrants in Shenzhen shantytowns making the shittiest possible wages so that a bunch of rich white guys can get richer. More »
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Per today's "Hot Topics" on The View, we've learned that Sherri Shepherd believes in Jesus, thinks the world is flat, and would like to have sex with a pirate. That is all. [The View] More »
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]]> http://jezebel.com/index.php?op=postcommentfeed&postId=298701&view=rss&microfeed=true Above, the most popular video on GodTube. (It's like the Christian Xtube.) This guy knows theology so well we can't wait till he lapses and starts mining his Evangelical past for stand-up material. Because we kind of suckat making fun of Christians, but this guy clearly has potential. More »
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Portfolio magazine's fashion blogger Lauren Goldstein Crowe is in New York, no doubt visiting with the people who hired her, which may be why her blog posts are suddenly really long. (But still bad!) Crowe's most recent nugget details how, after attempting to incite a backlash-to-the-backlash against the new Tom Ford store from across the Atlantic, she actually visited the store in New York and hated it (denied entrance to the velvet rope area — hmmmph!). Lauren, two biiig rules of blogging you should know, from people with almost as little blogtime under their belts as you: More »
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Playboy Network rumored to be closing up shop. [Jossip] More »
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