America can breathe a sigh of relief, because Jessica Simpson is slender once more. Can the celebrity news business even remain afloat?! (Of course it can, as long as there's a Kardashian to pick on.)
Earlier today Simpson, who has been yo-yo dieting so long it seems a natural law of the universe, posted two Instagram photos of herself in a swimsuit. She's wearing platform heels and, for some reason, a golf club. One had the caption: "If I'm in a bathing suit I should pose proudly."
I don't know about you guys, but generally if I put on a swimsuit it's to go swimming, not shoot some photos.
But of course, it's just not that simple for someone whose weight has been a reliable tabloid storyline for years, since the great MOM JEANS CRISIS of 2009. It's a cliche on par with Sad Single Jennifer Aniston and "PREGNANT AND ALONE?!" Never mind that generally the weight was generally pregnancy weight, and of course in Tab Land pregnancy is the highest, best purpose for women.
Of course the celeb blogs have all flipped:
- Page Six: Jessica Simpson reveals shockingly thin beach body
- US Weekly: Jessica Simpson Shows off Her Fierce Body in Amazing Swimsuit Photo: See the Picture
- E! Online: Jessica Simpson "Proudly" Poses in a Swimsuit After Jaw-Dropping Weight Loss—See the Sexy Pics!
- Perez: Jessica Simpson's Sexy Fit Legs Want To Crush Your Boners In Hot New Bikini Shot!
Victory at last! Let boners ring across the land! Daisy Duke returns! (No, that's literally the lead for this US Weekly dispatch from March.)
Jessica Simpson can take up bodybuilding, for all I care. Run marathons, enter triathlons, knock yourself out. Do you. It's just depressing to see someone's entire public persona revolve so entirely around being skinny and then gaining some weight and then losing some weight and then gaining some weight back and then losing some weight again, with checkout-line celeb mags and diet companies cashing in along the way. Better not let any padding sneak onto your hips, or it will swallow your entire identity! It just makes me so very, very tired.
The saddest thing of all, though, is that it's in Jessica Simpson's best interests to stay on this merry-go-round. Can you even name a single one of her pop songs? And let's face it, the Daisy Dukes are the only reason we remember her movie career. But as a society we're so fucking fascinated with these gruesome storylines about ballooning and reducing starlets that being one is a full-time job. Those diet endorsements pay handsomely.
Besides, the Daily Mail gives away the game with its headline: "Time to stop now Jessica? Simpson reveals incredible muscular legs as she posts swimsuit pictures on Instagram." Round and round and round we go!