In today's Tweet Beat, Jessica Biel is probably tuning you out, Mara Wilson is a sage and Lil Debbie says chill.
The day I find my future kids' porn stash, I'm making them watch a musical with me and saying this is to real life what porn is to real sex.
— Mara Wilson (@MaraWritesStuff) September 3, 2014
I got u that SIMS 4 #Sext
— Ronald Funches (@RonFunches) September 3, 2014
iM GUNNA MOVE TO ENGLAND AND OPEN A SOUP STORE MUSiC CAFE CALLED "THE NEON CLAM" AND i COOK NEON CLAM CHOWDER ALL DAY
— RiFFiNGTON RAFFERTON (@JODYHiGHROLLER) September 3, 2014
Nothing says "I run a drug cartel" quite like this kitchen. pic.twitter.com/fdWBuqQLvf
— Samantha Bee (@iamsambee) September 3, 2014
"Post that on Instagram, k mom?" #my6yrold 1st day of 1st grade
— Constance Zimmer (@ConstanceZimmer) September 3, 2014
Facebook currently down, leaving millions perilously unable to look at people they barely knew in high school's pets.
— Ronan Farrow (@RonanFarrow) September 3, 2014
SCIENCE: It is physically impossible to look away while your sandwich is being made at Subway.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) September 3, 2014
I am not comfortable with a man or woman playing Peter Pan.
— John Levenstein (@johnlevenstein) September 3, 2014
🐪 H░U░M░P░D░A░Y 🐪 🎃 ʂɧʘʋʈʘʋʈ 🏈
— HoodiesUpMusicLoud™ (@MrMilitantNegro) September 3, 2014
— Paris Hilton (@ParisHilton) September 3, 2014
If you want to ruin a compliment, tell me how you had a similar idea a couple years ago.
— Neal Brennan (@nealbrennan) September 3, 2014
seems like the start of a terrific afternoon!!! pic.twitter.com/0P4nKnJuwA
— michael vartan (@MichaelVartan) September 3, 2014
Starting a story with "I had the craziest dream last night" is a great way to tell me it's cool to immediately tune out.
— Jessica Biel (@JessicaBiel) September 3, 2014
My opinion don't pay you don't get so offended by it.
— Lil Debbie (@L1LDebbie) September 3, 2014
New phones make it easier to take selfies. Now we need one that also makes it easier to stay dressed!
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) September 3, 2014
Image via Getty.