Screenshot via Bravo

On the next season of Vanderpump Rules we will discover that Tom Sandavol and Tom Schwartz have finally run off together, Jax is now managing Pump, Stassi and Peter have rekindled their romance, and somehow it will all make sense.

On Monday night we picked up during drag night in New Orleans featuring Sandavol’s emotional breakdown over watching his soulmate marry another person. Still wearing his bra and a face full of makeup, Tom tearfully tells his girlfriend that Katie forced Schwartz to propose and that he’s a battered wife.

Advertisement

Now, I think Tom Sandoval is an idiot for many reasons. Chief among them is his continued insistence on this particular choice of words. I thought he was dating a feminist? Ariana, didn’t talk to you about this buddy? Next up, Tom Schwartz is the wife to no one. And lastly, while their relationship is obviously emotionally unstable and possibly abusive, we haven’t seen evidence of Katie physically abusing him. “Battered” typically denotes physical violence and as such I’m going to need him to stop saying that immediately.

On the upside, for the first time this season, I understood why Tom and Katie might actually make sense as a couple. With Tequila Tom on full display, he proved that he can be just as biting and cruel as Katie is when drunk. So, that’s nice, I guess.

Curiously, Jax emerges as one of the few voices of reasons in this drunken melee. What’s interesting is that Jax has spent most of his time on this series looking like a pathological liar. I don’t know when, but at some point, something changed—he began telling the truth. The problem is, he now tells the truths nobody wants to hear, so they quickly dismiss him as Lyin’ Jax and ignore the writing on the wall.

Advertisement

Advertisement

Jax may not have grown up, but he’s evolved. More than anything, he seems to have mostly given up. He’s old, h’s tired. Brittany’s there—sure fine, she’ll do. He just wants to go to the gym and eat sandwiches and maybe have sex occasionally.

This all leads me to the Vegas Girl, which consumed most of the episode. Kristen and others argue that Katie has been on particularly terrible behavior because she’s still harboring resentment about Tom cheating on her. The two Toms deny anything beyond making out happened, with Sandoval offering a detailed explanation about the abilities of Schwartz’s penis.

However, Jax is the only one making any sense. Here’s what I believe happened: Tom came back that night, very drunk, and told Jax and Carmen he had sex with that girl. He later denied it all because he couldn’t remember, which I also believe is true. The problem is, not definitively remembering whether or not you drunkenly fucked someone is almost as bad as actually fucking someone (you know, considering consent and all). So he should probably just apologize, which is Jax’s very wise advice.

Screenshot via Bravo.

Obviously Tom and Katie’s relationship has other problems—like the fact that they don’t like each other—but at least we wouldn’t have to listen to this argument again.

Advertisement

As the couple tries to make up for the 345th time this weekend, they have a truly bananas conversation where Tom behaves like the child he is and Katie continues shoving that square peg into a round hole. Katie did give Schwartz an ultimatum about marriage and though I may be wrong, I’m pretty sure that’s not how love works. At the same time, Tom gave into it! They are codependent and equally complicit in their own unhappiness and TOM, OH MY GOD JUST GO MARRY SANDOVAL AND KATIE, MOVE INTO A NUNNERY WITH STASSI.

Everyone recovers enough to have one last fun night including a few rounds of spin the bottle which included the Toms kissing for much longer than they needed to and Stassi and Peter slipping each other some tongue, which honestly seems like the best option for both of them.

You know, I’m glad these ostensibly straight men are comfortable enough with themselves to dress as women and kiss men, but at a certain point, people are gonna ask questions, is all I’m saying. I hope they have the right answers.

Advertisement

Speaking of repressed feelings, Scheana is getting the rudest edit this season with all these lectures about what it takes to have a good marriage when we all know she just filed for divorce. What’s funny is, with the filing announced in November, the producers probably didn’t know exactly how this would all play out. Then again, betting on a Vanderpump Rules relationship to crash and burn ain’t exactly a risky wager.