Dear God, what have we done to deserve this beautiful defense?

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Jared Fogle, omnipresent spokesperson for Subway after losing 235 pounds eating turkey and vegetable sandwiches, quickly became the object of shocked ridicule when he was charged with receiving child pornography and traveling across state lines to participate in illicit paid sex with a minor. How could America’s favorite sandwich-lover be so villainously sick?

Because of the sandwiches, his defense reportedly argued in court. It was all because of the sandwiches.

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In the trial, the Indianapolis Star reports that forensic psychiatrist John Bradford testified by phone that Fogle’s rapid weight loss is what led to his criminal desires:

“Once he lost weight, it seemed as though in a short time he had hyper-sexuality,” Bradford said. “There are brain disorders that can be associated with sexual drive.”

Bradford also downplayed the extent of Fogle’s pedophilia.

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“He was mostly attracted to females who were teenagers, who were 14 to 17 years of age. His attraction was at the high end of that range.”

Bradford called Fogle’s pedophilia “mild pedophilia.”

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“There’s no evidence I know that he molested a child... 16- or 17-year-olds are not pre-pubertal children.”

In cross-examination, prosecutor Steve DeBrota asked if “mild pedophilia” was a term used by other experts (Bradford said it wasn’t), and if it was just a term he invented to “provide scaling to the word pedophilia?” Bradford said it was.

Reuters reports:

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Fogle agreed in court on Thursday to avoid pornography, get sexual disorder treatment, and will be a registered sex offender...

Subway fired Fogle when reports of the plea agreement emerged. He has already begun to pay $1.4 million in restitution to 14 victims who are minors.

Prosecutors have requested that Fogle receive 12 1/2 years, while his defense has asked for five years. His official sentencing is scheduled for Thursday in Indianapolis.

In trial, Fogle reportedly sobbed as he recounted how he’d hurt his family and his wife, who would be a single mother should he go to prison.

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“You gave your wife $7 million,” the judge interrupted, “so she’ll be okay.”


Contact the author at joanna@jezebel.com.

Image via Getty.