American Horror Story: Get Witch or Die TryingS

It's the penultimate episode of American Horror Story: Coven and there's still so much at stake! Like who will be the next Supreme and...who will be the next Supreme. Do we care? I sure don't, but let's talk about it anyway!

Last night kicked off with a herky-jerky black and white educational film that explained the Seven Wonders a witch must perform to prove that she is the next rightful leader of the coven. Apparently, shit gets really intense (why don't they just get a sorting hat) and witches have died in their attempts to prove that they are the biggest and baddest. Right now, with Fiona getting weaker, it's anyone's game. All of the baby witches are exhibiting new powers and there's no clear frontrunner. Personally, I'm hoping that Fleetwitch Mac — fresh out of the mausoleum — takes the title, but that's mostly because I like her eye makeup and how she beat up Emma Roberts that time. Meanwhile, Fiona plans to assure that no one is the next Supreme by murdering every potential and going on to live her miserable rotten life for eternity or until she is hit by a bus. (It's always the most mundane thing!)

Thanks to a recent jabbing incident with a pair of garden sheers, Fiona's daughter Cordelia has been blessed with the beautiful, bloody, bulging eyes of Michael Shannon. Oh, and she's got the second sight back, which lets her cotton on to her mother's murderous plan and hatch a plan of her own. First, she makes a visit to the Axeman, then she insults his musical talent (fair enough — the saxophone is the instrument of perverts and Europeans, after all) and suggests that Fiona's love for him might not be as enduring as he thinks.

Unwittingly, Fiona plays into this by straight up telling him that her love for him might not be as enduring as he thinks. In response, he chops her up into pieces and feeds her to the alligators. As of now, I'm calling this out as some red herring bullshit. It's hard to believe that Fiona wouldn't use her power to fight him off and that the show would kill off the their arguably most important character before the final episode, but who knows. It wouldn't be the craziest shit this American Horror Story has ever done.

After Axeman "murders" Fiona, he decides to take out the rest of the witches, but fails almost immediately because he's attacking a house that's full of magically gifted people who don't take shit. Myrtle Snow suggests they have mercy on him, delivering what was maybe the best line of the night when she points out that there are few people in the room who aren't deranged serial killers at this point, so who are they to hold it against him? A coven, that's who. The witches, rather than show the Axeman kindness (because why would they), get all stabby and murder the man. Fine by me. At this point, all I care about is Myrtle Snow's outfits.

Elsewhere, Madame LaLaurie has returned to her old mansion/torture chamber after escaping the coven and has treated herself to a fancy new haircut (TOWANDA!!!). She's also back to murdering and is having a grand ol' time chopping off Angela Bassett's beautiful limbs (silver lining: if anyone can make the one arm/one leg look work, it's her). Queenie tracks her down after making a deal (awesomely) over hot chocolate with Papa Legba and LaLaurie demands to know how Queenie found her. Instead of being like, "Bitch, you are hiding out at your own house, where else would I look?" Queenie graciously gives LaLaurie one last opportunity to redeem herself by volunteering at the Urban League. LaLaurie's all "Eh, hard pass" so Queenie stabs her with the magic knife Papa Legba gave her and LaLaurie bleeds black blood all over the place and is quite possibly dead forever.


Who is this week's baddest witch? It's a toss-up between Myrtle and Queenie. Myrtle for her spitfire, elegant dialogue (the Halston reference!) and Queenie for taking out two serial killers in one day.

Also please weigh in on my sneaking suspicion: Could Myrtle be the real villain here? She plays everything so close to the vest/floral kimono! I don't trust her, but I do love her. Why must things be so complicated in matters of the heart!