Image via Bravo/screenshot.

If you want to know what losing without a slice of grace looks like, sit down and observe the Countess (for a few more months) Luann’s abominable showing at part two of the Real Housewives of New York reunion.

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As I said last week, Luann’s biggest problem is that she’s a terrible liar. Her lies rarely sound particularly believable, she changes tactics in the middle of a lie and when that inevitably fails, she just throw up her hands and rasps, “Oh, it doesn’t matter.” I say this as someone who very much enjoys Luann and wants her to thrive: Get it together, girl.

Last night we addressed Tom but not Tom cheating on Luann in front of half of the Upper East Side.

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For the longest time, the most interesting thing about Tom was that Luann agreed to marry him despite the fact that he dated two of her friends—Sonja and Ramona. It seems like we spent half the season wondering whether Tom and Ramona actually went on one date or seven dates or three dates or one solo date and two group dates or just a Beautique bathroom makeout.

Ramona finally sets the records straight with a very clear breakdown of all the times Tom took her out which I found rather impressive. Turns out it was four or five dates—squarely within the limits of being able to refer to the situation as “dating.”

Now, this would not actually matter if it weren’t for an interview Tom did where he insisted he had taken Ramona out just once—a lie which Luann happily echoes and then un-echoes and then swallows along with her recognition of reality.

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What’s incredible about Luann and Tom—and perhaps a sign that this marriage has a shot—is that all they had to do was admit that Tom had taken Ramona out a few times! That’s literally all anyone wanted. Instead, Luann’s defense is that yes, Ramona is beautiful, but Tom is with her now—something no one is refuting.

My favorite moment was Luann trying to undermine Ramona’s dates with Tom by pointing how that he only took her to Upper East Side restaurants. HOW DOES THAT MATTER? WHAT KIND OF REMARKABLE NEURONS ARE FIRING IN YOUR BRAIN LUANN WHERE THE PHYSICAL LOCATION OF THE RESTAURANTS SAYS ANYTHING ABOUT THE TRUTHFULNESS OF RAMONA’S CLAIMS?

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When she dies Luann needs to donate her brain to science because, my god is going on up there?

Luann’s problem is that she confuses quality with quantity. Nobody is suggesting that Tom likes or liked Ramona more than Luann, they’re just saying they went out on a number of dates! Luann’s inability to just admit that fact is deeply fascinating. How does she think this hurts her?

Luckily we eventually shift to Luann’s other friend’s relationship with Tom. Ironically I would argue that Sonja oversold her relationship with Tom while Ramona was the most accurate. Sonja estimates that she and Tom have hooked up about five times. I must say, I was expecting more considering they’ve been friends for decades.

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Still, Tom told Luann that he only slept with Sonja once so, by god, Luann is sticking with that story despite knowing Sonja eight times as long as she’s known Tom.

The point of all this, of course, is that Tom sees no problem with lying about things—a point Ramona expresses rather thoughtfully. However, so does Luann so her flippancy towards it all is understandable. The issue isn’t that Luann has forgotten the girl code because Luann never in her life went by the girl code. Yes, she is dickmatized by Tom but Luann has only ever looked out for number one.

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Last night we also addressed Jules’s very sad life which she won’t be able to turn into a redemption story next season. Much of her moment in the spotlight consisted of rehashing the Jules vs Bethenny and Carole drama, which I found deeply uninteresting.

I applaud Jules for being honest with her eating disorder, and would it have killed Carole to admit that she wasn’t as sensitive about it as she could have been? Apparently!

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In a ridiculous moment, Bethenny argues that it was fine for she and Carole to discuss Jules’s eating disorder in the manner that they did because Jules made fun of them for being old.

Jules’s jokes about the artfully preserved queens were rude and not very funny but come the fuck on. Because Bethenny has chosen this brand and is sticking with it, she also JUST SAYS WHAT SHE FEELS and tells Jules that she did not represent Jewish people well on the show which, yikes. Seeing as how it’s Stay In Your Lane 2016, I’m not going to touch that one.

This beautiful, psychotic rollercoaster is finally coming to an end next week. Let us begin the mourning period now.