It is fun and hip to say “it me” about articles and photos — the implicit humor is that, of course, you are not that fat baby, or those lazy cats, or that mailbox brimming with letters. You are a normal adult human. I do it maybe too much. When I brought the following two news items to the attention of Jezebel’s editors and said “these are both me, lol,” they were like, “Oh really?” And now I have to tell you why “they me,” which is fair, I guess.

A number of young trespassers have been breaking into Denver-area homes and instead of stealing things, watching TV and eating snacks. OBVIOUSLY this is me. I love snacks and TV and I often eat them and watch it, respectively.

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Two weeks ago, a family reportedly walked in on two men warming up Hot Pockets which they left behind in their escape. Another family found that their house had clearly been broken into but the only stolen item was some soda.

Caroline Palmer, a Denver resident, says she came home on September 4 to find a 12-year-old boy having eaten a whole bag of her beef jerky, iced tea, and gum and watching anime. He ran away when he saw Palmer had returned.

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Okay, well, this is potentially sad. I hope that boy is just being charming and is not actually starving. Personally, I break into houses for the fun of eating strange snacks. Not because I’m, um, starving.

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Meanwhile on the West Coast where I often spend time, the Seattle Aquarium has been addressing their sea otter Mishka’s newly-diagnosed asthma by teaching her to use an inhaler.

THIS IS ADORABLE! I have small, furry hands like an otter and it is silly to see me doing tasks because of that, so this very clearly is me.

One-year-old Mishka developed asthma after inhaling smoke from wildfires that ravaged the surrounding area. However, decreased genetic diversity could have also contributed to her developing the disease — sea otters went extinct in the state and had to be reintroduced from Alaska.

Oh. That is so depressing. I am not, ah, endangered or whatever.

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Okay, message received. I am not a snack thief or an asthmatic otter. I am an asshole. I promise never to compare myself to a stupid story again. I’m so sorry.


Contact the author at joanna@jezebel.com.

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Image via Shutterstock.