Is Wearing a Toupee Worse for America than Terrorism? (Maybe!)

As Wendy Davismania spirals up, up, up, and into its second week, the anti-Davis backlash is in full swing. Her latest crime? Dyeing her hair at some point between age 27 and 50. In that spirit, here are some men currently serving in Congress who also may or may not have worn toupees or had hair plugs installed, which everyone knows is definitely way worse than coloring your hair and possibly worse than flagburning.

The oozing epicenter of the nutty fixation on Wendy Davis’s possibly-treasonously-disingenuous hotness is the blog The Real Wendy Davis, which reads like The Burn Book if Regina George wrote the whole thing while recovering from her head injury. TRWD can’t quite move beyond the fact that when Davis was in law school, she had dark hair and wasn’t as conventionally pretty as she is now, ergo LIES ergo BETRAYAL ergo BAD LADY ALERT. Amanda Marcotte handled that absurdity over at Slate, but, to wit, TRWD doubles down on the “If you’re hot, you’re stupid; if you’re smart, you’re ugly” trope we ladies have the pleasure of dealing with on the daily.

But then I thought about it for a little bit, and there is something kind of, well, dishonest-seeming about changing one’s appearance for the purpose of professional gain. I wear black liquid eyeliner and mascara almost every day, had braces for a spell in high school, and sometimes even wear lipstick, but it’s only because I want to trick people into looking into my cartoonishly painted face rather than at my hands as I nimbly rifle through their wallets.

That being said, if Wendy Davis an untrustable liar for changing her appearance over the course of a few decades, then the following men should be kicked the hell out of Washington, pronto, before they make Baby Uncle Sam cry.

Mike Rogers (R)- Alabama
For shame, Rogers. I haven’t seen a dome that polished since the last time Notre Dame got its administration building’s roof replated.

Vice President Joe Biden (D)
Your face may be split by a Cheshire Cat grin, Mr. Vice President, but your scalp is covered in folicular LIES.

John Mica (R)- Florida
The people of Florida voted for you because you led them to believe you could grow the hair that America needs. Not so you could put your man-wig on a styrofoam replica of your head as you slept like some kind of Disney villain in repose.

Peter Roskam (R)- Illinois
Even Peter Motherfucking Russo the crack-abusing alcoholic Congressional pawn on season 1 of House of Cards had the cojones to come clean about his balding scalp. What else isn’t Peter Roskam telling us?

I’m not suggesting that everything Biden, Mica, Roskam, and Rogers is a lie, just that we know at least one thing is — their hair. And where do the lies stop? And don’t think I’m not paying attention to the fact that you’re going bald, 2016 Presidential hopeful and shifty-eyed Senator Marco Rubio. I’ve got my heavily makeuped eye on you.