Introducing 'Emergency Rape', This Season's Hottest Rape Trend

You’ve heard of “legitimate rape” and “forcible rape” and “rape rape” and (thanks, Ron Paul!) “honest rape,” but have you heard the new rape hotness? Last night, during a debate between Connecticut Senate candidates, Republican upper house hopeful Linda McMahon explained her view on emergency contraception by introducing America to a brand new kind of sexual assault: EMERGENCY RAPE. But what is it? And how do you know if you’ve been emergency raped?

McMahon’s comments last night came during an explanation of her stance on whether or not Catholic hospitals should be allowed to refuse to give emergency contraception to rape victims. In the past, McMahon has said that she believes that no Catholic hospital should be forced to provide the morning after pill to rape victims, because the Church believes that the morning after pill causes abortions (a “belief” that is contrary to medical fact). But last night, McMahon flipped, clarifying that victims of “emergency rape” shouldn’t be denied the pregnancy-preventing drugs.

It was really an issue about a Catholic church being forced to offer those pills if the person came in in an emergency rape. That was my response to it. I absolutely think that we should avail women who come in with rape victims the opportunity to have those morning after pills or the treatment that they should get.

That’s right. Emergency rape. The kind where a virgin is walking down the street in broad daylight and is dragged kicking and screaming into an alley by a dastardly assailant (so a lot like imaginary legitimate rape, or honest rape, or whatever other stupid fantasy rape scenarios exist wherein the woman is not at fault for her own sexual assault). But how are we supposed to use this in our everyday lives? Here are some examples:

“I’m sorry to cancel at the last minute. I have a family emergency rape.”
“On this week’s episode of SVU: a victim of emergency rape suffers from amnesia.”
“Hey, do you have a tampon?” “Sorry! All I have is this emergency rape.”

Learning about all these new kinds of rape from Republicans is starting to take on a kind of festive feel. Like an Apple press conference on the eve of a new iPhone announcement. What an exciting time to be a rape-able human.