Welcome to a Very Special Episode of Midweek Madness, in which we have very little patience for crappy, recycled gossip and really just want to sleep late and eat sweet potato pie.

Since we're feeling distracted by turkeys, traveling and TSA gropes, this speed-round version of our tabloid roundup will just focus on what really matters: Which of these crappy mags you should buy to get you through a holiday weekend with your drunk, bawdy aunt who uses inappropriate language. Let's begin.