Pinterest is to physically impossible crafts, recipes, and photographs for the homebound and quixotic what Cosmo is to physically impossible sex positions for the recently deflowered. But that hasn't stopped millions of pinners from coalescing on the social bulletin board and making their voices (and tastes) heard. Here are the lessons we can learn from the site's top pins of 2013.
Get diabetes. Now. Do it NOW.
Among the top food pins are two recipes that manage to make brownies less healthy by adding peanut butter and Nutella, two different kinds of meatballs, several items that prominently feature almost pornographic photographs of stretched out cheese, and this:
"Remember these Lasagna Cupcakes?" Sadly, no.
Be aggressively bland
The way to win friends and influence Pins is, apparently, to dress in a way that would be very difficult for witnesses to describe after a bank robbery. Witness the following top "women's fashion" pins this year:
Fashion idea: put a sweater over a shirt that has a collar! Second fashion idea: black pants, a denim shirt, a brown bag, and a scarf. Better pin these great fashion ideas so I don't forget them. (Third fashion idea: looking away from the lens.) (Fourth fashion idea: be pretty and thin.)
Do a lot of weird shit with Easter
The official holiday of Pinterest is apparently Easter, because it offers a lot of sad DIY opportunities what with all the empty plastic eggs and untied pastel ribbons lying around, and Pinterest users are ON IT. Want to make a thing for your kids (or some kids that aren't yours but that you're trying to impress)? Put Easter M&Ms in empty water bottles and put some ears on it! It's a thing! An Easter thing! (Reminder: this was one of the most popular pins of the year. Water bottles full of M&M's.) Instead of packing your kids' lunch with normal sized portions, put tiny portions inside hollow eggs! Kids love that and their friends definitely won't make fun of them for schlepping around the cafeteria with a bag bulging with hollow plastic eggs! Also popular: a floral arrangement that incorporated bunny peeps lining the clear glass vase, just staring out with their vacant dead Peep-eyes. Help us, say the Peeps. This is a cute holiday idea! says the internet. What other things can we do with Peeps? How about make them drive Twinkies!
Shut up and get a cat tattoo
On the internet, there's a saying: it's "Cat big or cat home." And there's no bigger way to cat than to get a cat tattooed permanently onto your skin. Pinterest users agree, elevating not one, not two, but three cattoos on the site's end-of-year top Pins list.
If it can't be stored in a Mason jar, then why the fuck do you own it in the first place?
Seriously. Answer me that.
That item on the right, by the way? Cupcake wrappers stored smugly in a mason jar? That wins the title of Miss Pinterest 2013 because cupcake wrappers in a mason jar.
I guess you're supposed to give this to your mother-in-law. Or, if you want to make it fun, your coworker who just gave birth to a baby boy.
(linda blair vomiting.gif)