This Business Week story about what's happening to your Thanksgiving turkey right now is a depressing-as-hell must read. The industrial meat complex is complicated, but one thing is for sure: factory farming is fucking terrible for everyone, Butterball is hella shady, and free-range has its own problems. But perhaps most importantly: Thanksgiving is about the SIDES, Y'ALL.

So watch your back around me on Thursday because I'm gonna destroy all of this. And these roasted Brussels sprouts. And then maybe when I'm in a mashed potato-induced coma, I'll devour an unturkey if I feel like it. But, let's be real, MASHED POTATOES. (Oh, and dessert.) (Which brings me to my next point: PIE.) (Which brings me to my final point: who will make me all of that food?)

But first I'm gonna watch those happy rescued turkeys and coo at them like a total loon. They're lucky I'm not near them right now because I'm feeling needy tonight and I want to hug a dinosaur.