I'm Sorry, But Who the Fuck Does This Homewrecking Pig Think She Is?

Do you see this pig? The one photographed above, biting her pen like it’s a throbbing, 1-2 inch long piece of felt? This, my friends, is Denise, and it’s recently come to my attention that she’s the homewrecking hog America’s beloved Kermit the Frog left America’s more beloved Miss Piggy for. And I would like to know the fuck she thinks she is.

I’ve never met this pig, but I can tell she’s the absolute, honest-to-Henson worst. In fact, Denise the Homewrecking Pig is probably worse more than any pig I’ve ever met, and I knew all 48 of the shit-eating, egotistical monsters who played Babe. Everywhere they went, it was, “Well I was in Babe,” and, “Back when I did Babe.” We get it—you acted once! Big fucking deal! I’ve acted too! God, I hated the nineties. But let’s go back to Denise.

I know it’s hard to look at her without cringing, with those overdone smokey eyes and that $2 merkin of a wig, but LOOK ANYWAY. I’ve seen Porky the Pig’s drag show many times, and let me tell you something—you’d need at least 200 Denises to match the fierceness and slay-bilities of the West Village’s very own Miss Porque Chop. But who are we kidding? Denise isn’t even close to the hardest hog to beat. You can find more glam in the meat counter at Whole Foods.

Meanwhile, Lana Del Sow has probably spent a lifetime thinking she can just waltz on into any room, bat those dead eyes of hers with what is probably permanent eyeliner, and attract any male of any species directly to her nonexistent lips so she can suck their wallets (among OTHER THINGS) dry.

But it’s not going to work this time.

No, she will not be winning Kermit away from the Queen. Maybe that dope of a frog deserves to be manipulated by some Chipotle Farms reject, but I refuse—as someone with no affiliation with Miss Piggy or those who represent her whatsoever—to let him gain any pleasure from a relationship with her, no matter how brief.

I will not let this pig win.