Last night I watched my first episode of The Bachelorette since Trista actually fell in love with that tall firefighter. Not to be dramatic, but trying to tell the remaining contestants apart gave me a sensation that I have to assume was vertigo.

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Even after sitting through the entire two hours (!!!!!), I’m not actually convinced that four of the six guys featured are different people. I mean, I know technically they are, but I also feel like there’s a solid chance ABC found some adult quadruplets and is trying to pull a fast one on us.

These are not two different people. They’re just not.

He just switched shirts! And he didn’t even bother to pick more a distinct shade of green!

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When the episode began, I think I did understand that there were six contestants left. However, after about thirty minutes, three of them were so blended in my mind that that fact completely escaped me.

So, I get that JoJo dumped the little guy with the short hair who she made out with on top of a horse’s head. Gotcha.

Then there was the dude with the curly hair who was obviously about to lose because what person over the age of 14 thinks stuffing french fries into one’s mouth is a sexually arousing performance? Got it, got it.

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And that’s where they lost me. Which I think is fair!!!

Left to right: Blaine 1, Blaine 2, Blaine 3, Blaine 4

They didn’t even bother to get separate haircuts. Like, are they all hipster marines? Is it a contractual requirement that they have the exact same over-pomaded coif?

The most confusing part came around the group date. I knew the little guy was out, so, in my mind, there were four guys left because Aaron Rodgers’ twin brothers are one person. My friend and her fiancé tried to convince me that there were, in fact, five more contestants left. I listened to them and nodded politely but still firmly believed that there were only four of them.

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Oops.

As it turns out, the problem wasn’t just that I was conflating the Chin Twins, but I also completely forgot about the country singer who (probably) jerks off to pictures of himself. When he came strolling onto that ranch in those offensively taut jeans, I screamed: “WHAT?” feeling the fierce tremor of the ground I stood on. They were right! There were five more contestants left! Who would have thought? Seriously, how are these men remotely distinguishable in people’s minds?

I don’t know much about JoJo, but honestly, props to her for being able to tell these dudes apart because God knows I would have just given them numbers at this point. But also, not props to her because good Lord, woman, try a little variety.

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The WORST PART about all this is now I’m going to have to watch the rest of this season, (or at least the finale) because narrowing it down to one person is the only way I’ll be separate them all in my mind. Probably. Maybe.

They really are the same person though.


Images via ABC.