A woman in New York has decided she's done being a bridesmaid and is finally ready to be..a professional bridesmaid.
In this hilarious ad posted earlier this week on Craiglist, a woman is advertising herself as a "Professional Bridesmaid." In the ad, she details all of her bridesmaid experiences as well as the skills that make her qualified to be your perfect bridesmaid.
This woman has experienced nightmares right out of an H.P. Lovecraft story:
When all my friends started getting engaged - I decided to make new friends. So I did - but then they got engaged also and for what felt like the hundredth time, I was asked to be a bridesmaid. This year alone, i've been a bridesmaid 4 times. That's 4 different chiffon dresses, 4 different bachelorette parties filled with tequila shots and guys in thong underwear twerking way too close to my face, 4 different pre-wedding pep talks to the bride about how this is the happiest day of her life and marriage, probably, is just like riding a bike: a little shaky at first but then she'll get the hang of it.
Why shouldn't she be proud of the work she's done? Bridesmaids have to do a lot crazy shit these days. If she's managed to hang in there this many times, maybe she is ready to take her role to the next level.
As proof, she lists all her badass bridesmaid skills:
Bridesmaid skills i'm exceptionally good at:
- Holding up the 18 layers of your dress so that you can pee with ease on your wedding day
- Catching the bouquet and then following that moment up with my best Miss America-like "Omg, I can't believe this" speech.
- Doing the electric and the cha cha slide.
- Responding in a timely manner to pre-wedding email chains created by other bridesmaids and the Maid of Honor
She breaks down all of the reasons why brides should hire her for this role.
- You don't have any other girlfriends except your third cousin, twice removed, who is often found sticking her tongue down an empty bottle of red wine.
- Your fiance has an extra groomsmen and you're looking to even things out so your pictures don't look funny and there's not one single guy walking down the aisle by himself
- You need someone to take control and make sure bridesmaid #4 buys her dress on time and doesn't show up 3 hours late the day of the wedding or paint her nails lime green.
Just don't ask her to capitalize "i" or "i'm." Even dedicated bridesmaids have their limit, OK?
This woman has inspired me as well. Why shouldn't we put ourselves out there and advertise ourselves for what we do best? That's why I have decided to put myself out there and offer my services in a role I have excelled at over the years—your Embarrassing Drunk Friend.
Here is my ad for your next Embarrassing Drunk Friend (I hope to hear from you soon!):
I have spent years being the embarrassing drunk friend at numerous social events. Every time I get an invitation to a birthday party, a wedding or a baby christening, I know it's time to suck up my needs and be there for people in their time of need. I have no problem drinking two or three bottles of wine and still making it to the buffet table and back with an extra plate of mashed potatoes (and will guarantee not to tell anyone I got them just for you). I can make awkward inebriated small talk with all of your relatives or co-workers. I can even flirt with that weird guy your mom keeps trying to set you up with.
Here's what I am willing to do for you at your next family function/social gathering:
- I am willing to come to the social function of your choosing and sit in the corner, drinking all the alcohol you and/or your family/friends/employer paid for all night.
- Included in my services are at least four comments about how your sister-in-law/co-worker/ex-best friend "seems like a total bitch" and two loud comments about how I'm "SO FUCKING GLAD I NEVER HAD ANY DAMN KIDS." (Extra charge only applies to ensure said comment is within earshot within actual children.)
- I will knock over at least two lamps, one chafing dish on the buffet table and spill three drinks on the relative/co-worker/ex-spouse of your choosing.
- For no additional charge, I will be loudly dragged out by security at the end of the night screaming "YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD!"
I am willing to provide a list of personal references of friends who I served as Embarrassing Drunk Friend for, many of whom have sworn to never, ever speak to me ever again until the day they die. If that's not dedicated service, I don't know what is.
Just let me know when your next social event is and I'll be there. Whether you hire me or not, probably.
Image via Shutterstock.
Screencap via Craigslist.