Good news, patriots! YOUR BUTTS HAVEN'T BEEN DOING ALL THAT HARD WORK FOR NOTHING. According to researchers at the University of Exeter, smelling reasonable amounts of hydrogen sulfide gas—i.e. FARTS—might actually prevent cancer.
"Although hydrogen sulfide gas"—produced when bacteria breaks down food—"is well known as a pungent, foul-smelling gas in rotten eggs and flatulence, it is naturally produced in the body and could in fact be a healthcare hero with significant implications for future therapies for a variety of diseases," Dr. Mark Wood said in a university release.
Although the stinky gas can be noxious in large doses, scientists believe that a whiff here and there has the power to reduce risks of cancer, strokes, heart attacks, arthritis, and dementia by preserving mitochondria.
Translation: Farting literally prevents and cures all diseases literally.
"'We have exploited this natural process by making a compound, called AP39, which slowly delivers very small amounts of this gas specifically to the mitochondria," Professor Matt Whiteman, who worked on the study to be published in the Medicinal Chemistry Communications journal, said.
Translation: We made a fart machine.
Cue me and my boyfriend both trying to blurt out "OH GOOD, LIVING WITH YOU I'LL NEVER GET CANCER" before the other one can (I won).
Now I'd like to hand over the mic to Megan Seling, who's already foreseen a grave consequence of the storied "girls don't fart" myth:
I mean, let me know if my feminism is getting out of hand here, but women deserve equal credit if farts save lives, you know?
— Megan Seling (@mseling) July 11, 2014
YEAH. WE ARE ALL HEROES.
In conclusion, FARTS FARTS FARTS FARTS FARTS FARTS FARTS FARTS.
Image via HitToon.Com/Shutterstock.