As of yesterday, everything in the Paris metropolitan area seemed so simple, or at least as simple as everything can seem in the Paris metropolitan area when there is a tiger on the loose. But as of today, this sightseeing road tiger has been revealed to be not a tiger but rather a dark and pressing mystery.

"The presence of an animal of the tiger species is now ruled out," said local authorities, contradicting the Seine-et-Marne deputy police chief's statement yesterday, which was "It's a tiger, for sure." The police and fire departments have been securing children in their schools and homes and searching the town with tranquilizer guns and a helicopter, but now, because the tiger is no longer a tiger, the threat level for the area has been "downgraded."


Counterpoint: the threat level should be upgraded, as there is nothing more dangerous than the unknown.

Further question: like, WHAT IS IT?

The animal trying desperately to get into EuroDisney could be any of the following:

• A lynx

• A tabby cat exposed to radiation

• A tiger in a lynx suit

• A bear that sort of looks like a tiger

My dog on a nice French vacation

• The ghost of an ancient Chinese peasant once killed by a tiger, now malformed into a supernatural being known as "Chang"

One of these situations

• Aslan

• Garfield

The Second Coming

• One of the Dames blanches, folkloric French supernatural beings who lurk in ravines trying to attract notice from the public

• Your mom in a catsuit

• ME (who can prove it's not)

• The physical embodiment of the collectively repressed sins of the quiet French town of Montevrain

• A common ghost

• A tiger after all

Who knows?

We will stay abreast of this shuddering mystery as it continues to develop.

Image via Getty.