I Watched The Fox And Friends Christmas Special To Save You From It

Merry Christmas! How did you celebrate your Christmas Eve? Well, the good folks at Fox News spent theirs by sneaking in a gloriously overstuffed “Christmas Special” chock full of lots of reminders that CHRISTMAS IS ABOUT JESUS GODDAMMIT. And I sat through it, just because I love you, OK?

So I hope you’re ready, because we’re firing up the cannons in the War On Christmas. It’s Fox And Friends Christmas Special time, baby.

OMG just checked the guide and the damn show is two hours long. (WHY DID I VOLUNTEER FOR THIS) I doubt I will even survive. I’m going to end up like Sam Neill in Event Horizon, ripping my own eyeballs out of the socket in a fit of madness and ecstasy. This is a show filmed in a giant room full of people who don’t think Phil Robertson said anything bad. This isn’t a Christmas special. It’s a Branch Davidian recruitment film.

The general crux of this special seems to be about reminding everyone that Christmas is about Jesus, OK? Fox and Friends will have none of your goddamn PC “happy holidays” bullshit tonight. Again, this fucking thing is two hours long, although it already feels more like 175 hours. Oh, Jesus Christ, indeed.

Goddamn everyone on this show is wearing a sweater. It’s like Fox issued a NO NON-KNITTED AND/OR FLEECE TOPS memo before the taping.

First up, Fox will punish you for thinking there might be some merit to the whole call for national healthcare by making you listen to country singer Craig Morgan butcher Nat King Cole’s Christmas Song. BTW CRAIG MORGAN KNOWS THAT CHRIST CAME AND DIED ON A CROSS AND HE DOES HIS BEST TO EMULATE THAT YOU GUYS. The awkward look on Elizabeth Hasselbeck’s face as she tries miserably to fill the time here says it all.

Rick Warren jumps in now with the purpose of Christmas and the statements of the three angels. Those statements, as a historical matter of record were: “1. No re-gifting 2. Keep thy gift receipts and 3. Seriousy no re-gifting.”

Brian Kilmeade’s fake tan could light a million Christmas trees. I believe we have found a viable substitute for cold fusion technology.

Apparently, Jeff Dunham is “America’s favorite comedian.” Dane Cook just heard that and fired his agent. At least the puppet Jeff is working with is more lifelike than Elizabeth Hasselbeck. Watch this video only if you want to see some rehashed old Obamacare/NSA jokes that were funnier when Carrie Underwood and Brad Paisley did them at the CMA’s. Yeah. It’s like that.

Holy shit, is that Dick Cheney playing piano while Robert Davi sings? No, this show is just making me hallucinate right-wingers now. I should have dropped acid before watching this thing. Although, I don’t know that the end result would be any different.

Christmas sweater Tucker Carlson is my favorite thing to come out of this holiday season. He’s better than naughty, after-dark Elf On The Shelf.

Timothy Cardinal Dolan is here with a message about the true meaning of Christmas, which on Fox News is about how Obamacare will allow the federal government to take all your guns and make you speak Spanish all the time. Funny how Cardinal Dolan got out of the whole no non-sweater thing. I bet there were emails exchanged about this.

Megyn Kelly gets all punk rock on us and DARES to say “ACLU ALERT….Merry Christmas!” on T.V. To the Fox News audience. On their Christmas Special. Keep on walking on the wild side, Megyn.

Clayton Morris’ cold dead eyes tell me Trace Adkins is “focusing on his talents,” whatever the hell that means. The country singer is also simultaneously promoting the most batshitcrazy looking Christmas-themed tour ever. Except it looks more like a play. Oh dear God, Trace Adkins is doing a country music Christmas play tour. I must buy all the tickets. I LOVE TRACE ADKINS, Y’ALL, SO BRING IT HATERS. #longhairdoncurr

Leona Lewis, what are you doing in this? What is this Winter Wonderland Rotary Club talent show mess? Oh girl. No. It also bears mentioning that Leona is wearing a midriff baring leather bustier. This is a flagrant violation of the sweaters only policy and I feel it is my Christmas duty to point this out.

OH GOD A LIVE NATIVITY SCENE. WITH A REAL BABY. Shit just got legit real.

And now it’s time to listen to feral Alaska woman Sarah Palin ~~plug her book~~ teach us the real meaning of Christmas. She sounds like even she’s tired of hearing herself say this shit. She’s about as convincing as me, pretending I liked the ending of Lost that time I met that cute guy who worked as an extra on the show. She’s wearing her fancy beauty queen semi-buffount hair for the occasion. I admit, am mesmerized by this hairdo.

And isn’t that the true meaning of Christmas? Being able to pull off pageant hair flawlessly in a social setting, in a way that doesn’t make people think you’ve lost your mind like the title character in the Delta Dawn song. So give it up to Fox, for that little nugget of Christmas time realness.

Peter Johnson, Fox News’s legal analyst (HAHAHAHAHA) is flanked by his two daughters who look like they’d rather be getting high at an Avicii concert than standing next to their dad talking about Jesus. He talks bizarrely about how he spent his childhood holidays staring up at an old nativity scene, imagining himself transported into it and becoming “witness to the birth” of Jesus. Oh my GOD, he thinks he’s Christopher Reeve in Somewhere in Time, except instead of obsessing over Jane Seymour, he’s all up on Jesus. OH SERIOUSLY I SHOULD HAVE DROPPED A LOT OF ACID FOR THIS.

Johnson’s daughter Blanche says she was “moved to humility” by the time she saw a homeless man kneeling before a nativity scene along the Pacific Coast Highway (on her way to meet Nicole Richie at Pink Taco, probably). She was so moved, in fact, it made her stop and wonder how we can be invited into the nativity. LOL WAT. Because that’s what homeless people are for, to help remind affluent white girls about Jesus and stuff as they drive along California’s beautiful coastal highways. I think. Oh I don’t know. This show has broken my mind.

You know what this special has made me believe, though? At this moment, I’m 100 percent convinced the sweet baby infant Jesus Christ in his little manager bed blessed us with Pinot Grigio, so we could survive stuff like this. And for that, on this day, I stop to think of him and thank him wholeheartedly.

There’s a little girl in the audience cupping in her ears during the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir performance. That image will serve as the permanent symbol for Fox News from here on out.

Santa keeps sticking his hand out from backstage to give the thumbs up, for some reason. Dude, you’re coming out to give out gifts and say ho ho ho, you’re not piloting a Navy jet back there. OK so who wants to put odds on whether this is a black Santa? Come on, anyone? Who will take that action? *CRICKETS*

And here comes Santa, finally, the “special guest” Fox News had been teasing all evening. (What, you thought they got Miley Cyrus or something?) Santa is followed, inexplicably, by The Cat in The Hat of all people and before I have a chance to rewind and double check if I had that right, my DVR cuts out. Because even this cold, soulless piece of electronic equipment can only handle so much holiday-themed bullshit.

So, there you go. Christmas, according to the Fox and Friends people, is about celebrating the birth of baby Jesus and plugging Trace Adkins’ new Christmas album and accompanying tour. And with that, I am off to go endrunken myself so much that I never, ever recall a moment of this ever again.