Vibrator App Reviews Are a Desolate Swampland of Youthful Regret

Bringing oneself to orgasm with a series of rhythmic vibrations: there's an app for that. It's called "iVibe Massager Lite," and its user reviews are inordinately high — because most of them are bribes from remorseful youths who do not want "The First! The Best! The Original Vibrating iPhone App!" to remain on their purchase list for all posterity.

Greg Seals at the Daily Dot has brought to light the shame and desperation of several iVibe Massager Lite-purchasers, most of whom either downloaded the app by accident or blame it on their friends (from their use of emojis, their appeals to their parents, and the use of the word "bestie," I think we're safe in assuming that we're dealing with a lot of teens here. Or, like, the cast of Girls).

It seems that these hapless massage app purchasers believe that they can bribe the company with 5-star reviews and, in return, the company will strike the purchase from their iTunes download record. I don't think that's how bribes work, but valiant effort, teens.

Advertisement

Some highlights, from the iTunes Store reviews:

I gave u 5 stars please remove I had a cramp In my back and I don't want my parents to think the wrong way please please please please please please please please

Omg i gave you 5 stars please remove from my purchased list i had any idea that this was a sex toy! I was looking for an actual massager!!!!!

My friend bought it for me saying "you might need it" but I don't want it and I don't want my parents thinking I'm doing things so PLEASE!!remove it off my purchased list!!

Please please take this of my purchase list I thought it was an actual massager! Please my parents will take it the wrong way please I have you five stars

I let my bestie use my phone and she downloaded bad apps please remove from my purchased list thanks

My friends took my phone and downloaded this. I don't want to get in trouble Please remove from my purchase list

I woke up with this downloaded to my phone [sea of emojis laughing with tears in their eyes]

In the teens' defense, the app does bill itself as a traditional massager. One of its uses is "helping the baby fall back asleep," which is wholesome (if it's not some kind of #teen euphemism I don't know about). And it's only suggested as an afterthought that one can "even use it in personal areas to spice up your life ;)"

In another defense of the teens, it's totally antiquated and repressive to punish your children for masturbating and exploring their sexuality! Let the kids masturbate if they want! It's healthy! (Unless, of course, the parents' hypothetical anger is over their offspring being careless with their expensive smart phones, which were not built to go inside a person's body. That would be way more understandable.)

On the bright side, not everyone is embarrassed by the Massager Lite purchase. Some more positive reviews include:

Is this a vibrator as in for your vagina I'd like to be turned on

And

It worked for me lol

A glowing endorsement, if ever there was one.

Screenshot via iTunes.