I Sucked on a Breast Milk Lollipop and Lived to Write About It

Back in June I covered an exciting new product hitting the novelty lollipop market: the Texas-based Lollyphile Breast Milk-Flavored Lollipop. My feelings on the matter were a blend of maximum-lolz, medium-nausea, and the smug comfort of living very, very far away from Texas. Here’s what I wrote at the time:

Are you tired of the same old lollipops just sitting around in your mouth not tasting like a stranger’s leaky breast? Well MERRY CHRISTMAS, SHERLOCK. After rigorous boob-milk taste-testing, the food scientists at one Austin-based candy company have managed to synthesize the flavor of human breast milk in the form of (VEGAN!) lollipops. Available for mail order. To your mouth.

Ohhhhhhhh, I was so young then! So naive! “YOUR” mouth, I said. “Your” mouth. My mouth, I thought, was safe. Well, in the grand tradition of Candy Corn Oreos and Watermelon Oreos and P. Diddy’s Coconut-Flavored Naughty Lotion, my boss IMMEDIATELY hopped online to FedEx a couple of breast milk lollipops directly to my #1 head-hole.

>:-|

But, you know, I’m a professional. I am also a former human baby, which means that licking a breast milk lollipop is actually more “natural” than, say, eating salted caramel ice cream or a pot pie (why couldn’t I have been born a baby pot pie!?!?!). So I stuck it in there and I sucked on it and I tricked my boyfriend into tasting it too (HA HA) and I made one million boob jokes and you can watch our whole intrepid adventure in the video above. We are very brave! You’re welcome!

And just to make sure we covered the full-spectrum breast milk lollipop experience, here’s what happens when you feed breast milk lollipops to a bunch of men from Gawker and Deadspin and ask them to guess what they’re eating. (I second the “suntan lotion mixed with cotton candy” diagnosis, although I’d add “flower-flavored candle” to the mix too.) Video by Tracie!

Up next: I don’t know, toenail almond roca or something probably? Hhhhhhhhhh. (As always, you can leave your suggestions for Lindy Eats a Weird Thing in the commments. Just a heads-up: I will never forgive you.)