Time is reporting that Hillary Clinton, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State, is in “excellent health.” Clinton’s doctor, Lisa Bardack, claims her patient is “currently diagnosed with only hypothyroidism and seasonal pollen allergies.”

She continued:

“[Clinton] does not smoke and drinks alcohol occasionally. She does not use illicit drugs or tobacco products. She eats a diet rich in lean protein, vegetables and fruits. She exercises regularly, including yoga, swimming, walking and weight training.”

If any of you see Donald Trump shuffling around your city carrying a garbage bag filled with ragweed and dragging an oscillating fan behind him, please contact me at bobby@jezebel.com.