Welcome to Grim Yelp Reviews, a new regular feature where we share people’s worst experiences at the worst places. This week: everybody in the club getting overcharged, groped, beaten up or just generally having a bad time.

Rude opinion: I don’t understand Going Out To The Club. I don’t understand standing in line to get in someplace that’s basically just a bar. I don’t understand wearing a dress I can’t sit down in and heels I can’t stand up in. I don’t understand shitty dance music, or bottle service, or VIP sections or anything and everything that involves the club experience. Clubs: not my jam.

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That being said, nightclubs are a lot of people’s jam, and I understand they can be pretty fun if you like dancing and flirting and velvet ropes. But when a night at the club goes grim, it goes there fast. And that, dear friends, is the terrifying place where we gather together today. Grim Yelp reviews of nightclubs can be divided into four categories: expensive, scary, racist, and ew. Read them with me and wonder, seriously, why do people ever leave the house?

As always, to protect the names of the innocent and not-so-innocent alike, we’ve redacted the names of the businesses, as well as the identities of the Yelpers who wrote the reviews. We realize you can probably find all of that with five minutes of Google magic.

Expensive

This New Yorker is furious about both the price of his drink and the “ugliness” of the people serving it to him:

I don’t usually post reviews but I really want to about this place. I went on a Saturday night for my friend’s birthday (he wanted to dance to the 80s). All our friends headed over after dinner. First, there was a cover ($6), ok not terrible, but annoying. Then, the bartenders were BITCHY, slow as dirt and (wow) ugly (this is NY...really? bartenders aren’t allowed to be ugly AND assholes). In the back is the dance floor, music selection was mediocre as best. It was funny because the dj had a request signup list. Hahaha, I don’t think I’ve seen that since high school. Plus, they were definitely “rent-a-dj bar mitzvah” types. Let’s just say, the mixing was awful.

Lastly, if you want to see the ugliest people in NY, go to this bar. Everyone in there was very, very scary. I kept wanting to leave but my friend was having such a good time. So all I could do is suck it up and throw back too many of the $9 drinks (WTF??!!!!). Hope I never, ever, ever get close to this place again.

And this dude is so upset about his overpriced hookah experience at The Club he has to invoke a terrible rape metaphor:

There hookah is ridiculously overpriced!!!! A fresh fruit hookah is $45!!!! Wtf. And if u want blue mist that’s a extra $5 ... and they use those bullshit quick lite coals. Then on top of that u think if u spend $50 for a fucking hookah they would at least change ur coals for free!! Nope they charge $10 to change the coals. A pack of those quick lite coals costs about $2-3 ...I asked why was it extra for blue mist the lady said cuz it’s special and rare..... -_-. I said miss ... don’t bullshit me. Just tell me u wanna rape my pockets don’t make up a story

Scary

Lurking doesn’t sound great, but dancing to Prince sounds solid, actually:

One time I got grabbed here by a stocky woman with a lazy eye who made me dance with her to Prince. It was awkward. There are a lot of awkward lurkers here. It is a lurkers haven.

These are two of my favorite reviews of a San Francisco club with very bad reviews and a generally agreed upon dangerous atmosphere. It closed a few years back. Wonder why:

Racist

There are a lot of stories like this about a lot of places. Racist club owners and/or door guys: you aren’t fooling anybody.

And from a club in California, oh my God:

A bartender working for tips who threw a drink ticket at my face like I wasn’t wanted there. Doing all of this in front of bystanders, he then looks to me, leans in and says “WE DON”T SERVE YOUR KIND HERE DAMN CHINK, GET A DIFFERENT BARTENDER BUT NOT ME”.

Ew

Yeah, this sounds bad:

I wish I could give this zero stars.I loathe this place and avoid it like the plague. I used to actually enjoy it when I was 21, when they played good music and it was a big dance party.I haven’t been in about a year, my last experience was awful. It was sweaty and packed with really young kids, I really doubt they were of legal age. If you’re a woman expect to get hit on and felt up by creeps, and I mean really felt-up, sickening. The bathrooms are dark and filthy with doors that don’t shut. The whole basement-cave area smells like urine and broken dreams. There is a separate room that plays hip-hop which is sort of redeeming for the place...

I think one thing I’ve learned is that everywhere you go, in every corner of this great nation, from the White House to the Smithsonian to the lowliest hot dog shack, someone is not flushing the toilet:

A fun night at a trendy club ends when the women are disgusted by an unmaintained, nasty restroom. Charge hundreds of dollars for a $30 bottle of alcohol, then skimp on toilet paper, clogged toilets overflowing on the floors, and five stalls for 350 people or more. How about take two of the fifteen bouncers and give them some cleaning supplies, a plunger, some perfume and a tip jar and put them where half the crowd is....in the disgusting restroom... Why enforce a dress code when your club can’t match the image you are trying to create. Your Yelps are going south in a hurry. Good luck... What will the new name of the club be when the new owner takes over?

In conclusion: it’s funny how many gripe-y Yelp reviews just reveal that the person writing them kind of sucks:

Pretty grim. Until next time, remember that drinking wine at home in bare feet all alone with nobody near you is the winner’s choice.

Photo via AP, Grim Yelp logo by Master of Terror Jim Cooke


Contact the author at anna.merlan@jezebel.com.
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