How You Caught a Cheater

Welcome to Pissing Contest, a weekly story sharing circle for the the ass-draggiest time of the afternoon on the ass-draggiest time of the last day between you and the weekend. Every week, we'll provide a prompt, you'll share stories, and we'll pick a winner that's featured in the next week's post. It's like a pyramid scheme of outdoing each other!

Some time ago in a distant city, I was getting brunch drinks with a friend when a man walked in whom I recognized. I'd been introduced to him before, more than once, but he'd always forget that we'd met. He was with a visibly pregnant woman, and it was obvious the two of them were romantically involved. The last time I'd seen him, weeks before, he'd been making out with another, much younger woman at a night club. She had been wearing his tie around her neck.

I told myself that maybe what I thought I was seeing wasn't what I was really seeing. Maybe the pregnant woman he was holding hands with and kissing on the mouth wasn't his wife? Maybe they had an open thing going on? Maybe the pregnant woman and the man had broken up, he'd gotten his jollies with the younger woman at the night club, and then the two had reconciled? A lot could be going on, right?

Catching a person doing something that looks a lot like cheating — whether it's on you or on somebody else — is an experience you don't forget. Today, we're going to talk about that. Did you catch someone cheating on you? Cheating on your friend? Cheating on a stranger? What happened? Did it look anything like this?

But first, let's get to the winner's of last week's Pissing Contest: Awkward Sex Edition. spektraVDG's story was so harrowing that it prompted these follow up responses:

How You Caught a Cheater

RenoDakota's tale of the angry thrusting bee is so good. Kim Jong's Angst invented sexy mancala. CanIHave4Beers deserves a medal for sharing all this awkward story she calls "Flame Face" ( there are, like, 5 different stories from her in the discussion thread, and they're all amazing).

But the winner of most awkward sex story is Mommet Coddler, whose tale needs to be read — more than once — to be believed.

I was on a third date with a guy we'll call Joe. I hadn't had sex for a while and had offered on previous dates, but he wanted to wait, so I respected that. We go to the house that Joe is housesitting at for friends and start making out in the bedroom. I rip all of my clothes off in one smooth motion, tossing them to the floor. Joe carefully folds every garment of his, and gets into bed still wearing his black socks. I am ready to go but he is still flaccid. No problem, I go down. Nothing happens. "I take a while to get going," he says. Okay.

There follows him performing some really lame oral that doesn't benefit at all from my direction, redirection, moving his head, or anything. I am super frustrated, but I am not going to give up.

We make out some more, and he holds my hands above my head. I detect some movement against my leg. Now we're getting somewhere! "Are you into bondage?" I ask. Oh yes. That is his primary fetish which he has not brought up before, but it's the only thing that will get him going. He asks if he can tie me up. Against my better judgement and because I am super horny I say yes.

Now I was thinking he would tie my hands to the bed posts and go from there, but no. He rolls me onto my stomach and hog ties me with his socks. While I'm wondering what I'm supposed to get out of this or how he's going to penetrate me in this position, HE LEAVES THE ROOM. I wait for five minutes. He doesn't come back. I slip out of the bonds easily (socks), and ponder how nutty this situation has gotten.

When he finally comes back he is still naked and flaccid, and unsurprised to see me untied. He puts on my pants for no reason I can detect and looks satisfied. Then he takes them off again. Then he offers me a popsicle.

After some questioning he admits that he hasn't had an erection since his back surgery over a year earlier, but he seems completely unperturbed by this fact. I dump him. The end.

On that note, let's get soapy.

Image via screengrab/HBO