So you want to be a sexy baby! Or, at the very least, you want to be a grown woman with the voice of a sexy baby. Fair enough. I think we can all agree that — vocally, anyway — our infancy was our sexiest time. High pitched voices, broken sentences, unintentional vocal fries as we intentionally pooped ourselves while making eye contact with our parents. Stop it, I know. It's too much right now. C'mon, internet. Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
But then we got older. Our voices got deeper and we stopped speaking like tiny cavemen. "MAMA, FOOD NOW" became "Mother, I'm out to lunch with the Lunts!" and as we gained motor functions and became increasingly better at communicating, we also lost something priceless and that's the ability to speak like a sexy baby.
There were days — days in recent history — when we feared we'd be stuck talking like grown unsexy adults until the day we died. After that, if you were a good person, you'd go to sexy baby heaven and, if you were bad, you'd be stuck in hell, which, as we all know, is an endless deep-voiced conversation between you, Kathleen Turner and Mae West. (Heaven, alternately, is an endless conversation between you, the 1996 Olympic U.S. gymnastics team and Stephen Colletti from Laguna Beach.)
Then something profound happened. The Kardashians, three sisters with flowing hair the color of ebony and vocal fries that could drag for days, arrived to save us all — to prove that our time stuck on this mortal coil needn't be spent talking in a way that some would deem as "mature" or "adult." We could talk like a sexy baby in the here and now and no one could stop us.
But while the Kardashian sisters opened our eyes to the possibilities of talking like a sexy baby, the rest didn't come easily. Maybe you're like me, voice deep like thunder and ill suited to baby talk. Maybe you have a high voice, but feel too silly or embarrassed to try it. Or you might even have a natural vocal fry or childlike tone and even then — because it doesn't come from the heart — you fall short when it comes to sounding like a highly erotic toddler.
That's okay. I mean, it's terrible, but there's nothing to be done about it. If we were meant to fly with the sexy baby talk eagles, God would have given us wings, preferably decked out in 300 dollar Kabbalah bracelets with words like "breathe" tattooed on our feathers. But He didn't. We are Earth people. We live and serve our purpose here in the vocal mud. Our sexual partners resent us for it, but more than likely, they are mud people, too and what can we do besides couple off together and fake our sexy baby-ness in the best of times and deal with the reality of our situations in the worst?
Oh, yes. You can fake it. Next time you engage in flirtation with a fellow human being, refuse to make eye contact and pout. Say in your best sexy baby voice something sexy and babyish — something like "I'm wearing a diaper" or "I don't know who the pwesident is." Wait for a reaction. If your sexy baby talk is performed convincingly, the object of your affection will be yours — hook, line and sinker. (Beware: Sexual partners should only be attracted to your baby voice. An attraction to other baby things probably means that they are some sort of a sex pervert.)
Perhaps you're a baby voice natural and don't need to fake anything. You have a gift — use it wisely and responsibly. People will attack you. Actresses like Lake Bell will go on Conan and make jokes at your expense. The audience will laugh. Don't let them stop you. Use your power to get what you want. Who knows? You might even get your own reality show one day because — always remember — you are a sexy baby talk eagle. You fly above — probably complaining a lot about how tired you are from your Soul Cycle class — while we toil below, unsexy grownup voices pulling us deeper and deeper into the Earth.
Illustration by Sam Woolley.