How Much Alcohol To Drink So You Never Die

You know how drinking is bad for you, yet good for you, yet also bad for you? Well, new research confirms that it is good for you until it is bad for you. Confused? Our breakdown will help you drink the exact right amount so you live forever.

Zero drinks per week

You are a loser. You’re going to die, and also be lonely.

Zero drinks per week, concentrated on the weekend

Binge non-drinking is very dangerous. You’re going to die.

One to two drinks per week

Maybe you’re taking really intense communion on Sundays? Whatever you’re doing, God is smiling on you a little tiny bit. According to new research, your odds of good health at age 70 are 11% greater than those of non-drinkers. Still, you will eventually die.

2.333333 to 7 drinks per week

Are you actually measuring out one-third of a drink per day? How are you even doing that? You’re probably kind of weird, but congrats, you’ve got a 19% increased chance of being a healthy old lady. Still a 100% chance of someday being a dead person though.

Seven to fourteen drinks per week, concentrated on the weekend

No no no no, you’re doing it wrong. Saving all your drinking for the weekend (or, say, Tuesdays, because those are your misery days) pretty much wipes out the health benefits. And you know what that means, don’t you? I’ll give you a hint: death.

Seven to fourteen drinks per week, concentrated in three or four days

You know how sometimes you go out with your friends and have a couple of glasses of wine, and sometimes you don’t? That sounds pretty life-prolonging to you, doesn’t it? Think again, Deady McDeadpants. This pattern might help you out a little bit, but you’re still going to croak.

Seven to fourteen drinks per week, spread over five to seven days

Yes! This is the perfect amount and frequency of drinking that will cause you to live an eternal life full of joy and fulfillment. Use your power wisely, oh Immortal One.*

More than fourteen drinks per week

You drink too much. You’re a lush. A dead one.

A Drink A Day Linked To Healthy Aging In Women [CNN]
Moderate Drinking Tied To Better Health For Women, Study Suggests [LA Times]

Image via Ed Isaacs/Shutterstock.com

* You’re drinking ambrosia, right? Oh, you’re not? Just normal booze? Yeah, in that case you have a 28% increased risk of good health at age 70. But — do you really need me to say it? — you’re going to die.