Have you consumed the FDA recommended serving of schadenfreude today? Better watch this clip of Catholic League President Bill Donohue, a famous sufferer of both congenital bigotry and progressive Irish Fat Head Syndrome, freaking the hell out about Arizona governor Jan Brewer's rejection of a bill that would have allowed business owners to refuse to serve gay people.

Donohue is nuttier than Harry Styles' Twitter mentions, but that doesn't make this interview with CNN's Chris Cuomo any less illuminating. Yeah, listening to him talk is worse than listening to a dentist extract wisdom teeth, but at the very least he doesn't try to dog whistle anything. It's nice to get some straight talk from the remaining homophobes who haven't yet tragically perished from head explosions. Every extreme political viewpoint needs an apoplectic id.

Here are some highlights — actual quotesfrom the whine sesh with a remarkably composed Cuomo:

  • "Where are the examples of gays being discriminated against? If they're so discriminated against, how come they make more money than straight people, on average?"
  • "Is someone being denied at Applebees getting a hamburger? Where are the examples of gay people being prosecuted???"
  • "Can you enumerate for me examples of gay people in Arizona who are having their rights violated by people of faith?"
  • "Where are the examples of the gays being discriminated against???"
  • "It's not hard to find gays to find somebody who is going to take a picture of them."
  • "Our rights are being whittled away in favor of gay rights."

But the interview got super terriblawesome during the bit featured in the clip above, when Donohue showed his whole ass about what he thinks marriage is and what it should be based on, because God wants everyone to have joyless dutiful sex as evidenced by: "tradition" and "dick shape."

  • "The gold standard is a father and a mother creating a family. That what was ordained by nature and nature's God."
  • "Have you noticed anatomically that there's a goodness of fit between a man and a woman?" (side note: Bill Donohue implying that he's thinking about penis-in-vag "goodness of fit" is about to make me dedicate myself to a 100% sodomy-based sex life.)
  • "Marriage is about family. It's not about love. Two sisters can love each other. That's an odd idea by the way in Western history. The idea that two people should get married on the basis of love. Now, HOPEFULLY, people do love each other. Marriage has always been based historically on duty and on commitment."
  • "I have Christianity. I have Judaism. I have Muslims. I have Mormons. I have most of the world who regard this idea as being bizarre that two men should get married."

Donohue then shat his pants.

Actually, he didn't. But, I mean, his brain probably shat its pants, assuming God told his brain to wear pants.

Like many people who claim to be disgusted by gay sex, Bill Donohue sure thinks about gay sex an awful lot (maybe more than some actual gay people). But all of the yelling in the world can't change what happened yesterday: a federal judge struck down Texas's gay marriage ban, and Jan Brewer — arch conservative Tea Party Mad Hattress Jan Brewer — vetoed a law that would have codified Donohue's dinosaur views. Even though it's against their religion, I'd advise the Bill Donohues of the world to suck on that.