BRAD PITT AND ANGELINA JOLIE GOT MARRIED ON SATURDAY. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Here is a tweet from the AP about it:
BREAKING: Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were married Saturday in France, says a spokesman for the couple.
— The Associated Press (@AP) August 28, 2014
It contains the sum of our knowledge about the wedding. Across the world, tabloids and concerned citizens are howling with hopeless futility. (But it's okay, if you think about it, because we don't even have a way of knowing 100% that our existence isn't a mere dream being dreamt by a butterfly.)
I will be offering fresh and breathless updates as more information leaks — or, more likely, hemorrhages — throughout the day. In the meantime, here's a fanfiction composed of things I read in tabloids about their wedding plans: The theme of the wedding was "paintball." The catering cost $1 million. A tasteful amount of attendees were dressed as characters from Monsters, Inc. You will not even BELIEVE how many flowers there were.
WILL UPDATE IF/WHEN WE LEARN MORE. [AP]
UPDATE: ABC says the ceremony took place in Chateau Miraval; the wedding was reportedly small and only included family and friends. All the kids did a thing: "Maddox and Pax actually walked Jolie down the aisle, while Zahara and Vivienne threw rose petals. Shiloh and Knox served as ring bearers." No word on whether the theme was, in fact, paintball.
In other Very Important Couple news, Beyoncé's dad went on some radio station and said that the rumors of her marital discord with Jay Z were a mere "Jedi mind trick" meant to "ignite the tour." He added, "Everyone's talking about it. Ticket sales went up. Solange's album sales went up 200%!" Was The Elevator An Inside Job? We will literally never know. [ONTD]
Jessica Chastain doesn't understand why Scarlett Johannson doesn't have her own superhero movie yet: "Where is the Scarlett Johansson superhero movie? I don't understand it, why is it taking so long for this?" she asked TheWrap.
"This woman clearly shows that people want to go see her in the movies. 'Lucy,' didn't it beat 'Hercules' by a lot opening weekend, when it was made for a lot less? She shows that she kicks ass, she's a great actress. 'Under the Skin' is an incredible film, and why are we still waiting for a go-ahead on a superhero movie starring Scarlett Johansson?" GOOD EFFING QUESTION, JESSICA. [TheWrap]
- Remember how Katherine Heigl sued Duane Reade for $6 million after they tweeted a picture of her carrying a Duane Reade bag? That is no longer a thing that's happening. [NY Daily News]
- Chris O'Dowd and his wife Dawn O'Porter are expecting a baby, which he revealed by nominating it for the Ice Bucket Challenge. [E!]
- !!! ALERT !!! EMMA STONE NEW HAIR. [HuffPo]
- Jamie Dornan is going to star in a psychological thriller after Fifty Shades of Grey, in which he plays a doctor who unravels some mysteries. He's doing a good job ensuring that the memory of him with a waxed chest growling threateningly about nipples won't linger overlong in the public consciousness. [Cosmo]
- Morrissey said some more dumb shit. [Billboard]
- Rihanna took a selfie with an active volcano. [Cosmo]
- Miley Cyrus' pig put his lil' nose on her dog's paw :') [MTV]
- Omg, this headline: "Tom Hanks And Rita Wilson Embarrassed As Their Privileged Son, Chester, Desperate To Be A 'White Boy Rapper' Called 'Chet Haze,' Source Says." ART. [Radar]
- Idris Elba spoke about his alleged "bulge photo" on TV. "It happened overnight. It was huge," he said. "It was on the news. That's bizarre to me." (It was an optical illusion, but he got 150,000 Twitter followers because of it — proving that there is no such thing as bad "Is That a Dick Or What?" publicity.) [E!]
- Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez hung out in Canada and went to a Tim Hortons. They are probably just trying to get the authentic Tim Hortons experience while they still can. Very romantic. [E!]
Images via AP.