High school dances: a place for craven youths to perform unbelievable feats of contortionism in order to simulate sexual acts. Seas of newly-licensed drivers dry-humping to David Guetta in the strange serenity of orgiastic abandon, their PSAT scores finally banished from the dark ciphers of their teenaged minds.
At least, this is my impression of high school dances, based on all the alarmist news stories about which practices are banned from high school dances that I've read in my tenure as a non-teen. Here's a new stunning example: CBS reports that a high school in Maryland is requiring its students to sign a contract in which they promise not to twerk, grind, or dance provocatively at the homecoming dance. Their parents also have to sign it, gently reminding youths that what you do with your butt is a direct reflection of your entire lineage. If you breach the Twerk Covenant, you will be promptly ejected from the dance and your parents will be branded as devil worshipers.
According to CBS, the contract stipulates that there is to be "no grinding, intimate touching or dancing with your buttocks touching or in the air." No rubbing your nipples against another student's nipples. No interpretive movements meant to recreate coming out of the birth canal. No miming a rhythmic human centipede with two of your peers.
"No Grinding, Intimate Touching, Or Dancing With Your Buttocks In The Air" is a statement with weight and quiet dignity that reveals a deep commitment to improving upon young minds. It's the sign of a school with the right priorities: pearl-clutching; policing the sexy-dancing of adolescents; forcing them to teach outside of the classroom, via the educational experience of Googling "twerking" with their concerned parents or guardians. It should be adopted as the official motto of every high school in the nation. ("Nec molere, neque tactus, neque saltare cum tibus vestris in aere." Put it on a crest.)
Nine out of twelve high schools in the area have some sort of dance contract but not all require signatures; students, who are no strangers to grinding and fumbling, believe that these new explicit and strict guidelines are a result of all the media attention that's recently been focused on twerking. It's post-VMAs Miley's world of lawlessness and sin, and we're all just living in it.
"No Twerking Allowed! Annapolis High School Requires Students To Sign Dance Contract" [CBS]
Image via Getty.