Forget the Shake Weight, forget Sauna Suits and forget Tony Little's Gazelle, because there's a new piece of fitness equipment on the scene that's so ridiculous that just by looking at it you will descend into a shame spiral that will rival anything you've ever felt in tenth grade. Allow me to present the glory that is THE FACIAL FITNESS PAO!

There's something to be said for non-surgical facelift procedures. Everyone wants to have tight and healthy skin (which is why I spend so much money at Kiehls on products that I never actually use), but surgery is expensive and painful. THE FACIAL FITNESS PAL PAO — the pao, I assume, is pronounced like a crisp slap in the face — will strengthen your facial muscles by acting as a Shake Weight for your mouth area. Not only do you get the benefits of a weighted facial workout, but you also get the added bonus of looking like you're trying to bite the head off a particularly energetic seagull that has somehow found its way into your bathroom. Man, that's got to make you feel powerful!

The product is currently only available in Japan, but I'm sure you can make your own with components found at your local hardware store. And while the commercial doesn't say that the product can be used for self defense, I'd like to see someone develop an exercise video that explains how hard you'd have to shake your head in order to allow you to use the FACIAL FITNESS PAO as a projectile weapon. I'd pay $19.99 plush shipping and handling for that.