Hello, America’s Got Talent contestant John Hetlinger: I have just seen your excellent headbanging rendition of Drowning Pool’s “Bodies” via YouTube video, and I have one question for you: will you be my grandpa, pretty please?

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Considering that I have not had a grandfather for at least three-plus decades—meaning that I have never had one, so to speak—there are at least two vacancy positions open. Although there is a relatively seismic chance that you are not Jewish, I will still call you “zayde”—the Yiddish word for grandfather—and it will be assuredly endearing.

According to NPR, you once piloted jets in the Navy and helped fix NASA’s Hubble Telescope, which are all high qualifications—considering that I’m afraid of heights (which you can help me with), and I am a big fan of astronomy. Bonding points, amirite?

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During your AGT performance, you wore a polo shirt with a toucan on it and also made Simon Cowell smile like a Gentile child on Christmas. I, too, would like to wear a polo shirt with a toucan on it and make Simon Cowell smile like a Gentile child on Christmas. Please teach me your ways.

Get at me, bro,

J.E. Reich

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P.S. Noam Chomsky, if you’re reading this: you can apply for a position as my other zayde, if you choose to do so. (You should choose to do so.)


Contact the author at jamie.reich@jezebel.com.

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Image via YouTube.