Happy bRIHthday, Rihanna, May You Slay All the Cakes

Rihanna, February 20—The spring lion showed up early this year, as winter’s quiet edge was interrupted by RIHANNA CONCLUDING HER SATURN RETURN, Y’ALL! Yes: the god almighty Rihzanza, creator of heaven and cakes, celebrates her 30th birthday today, a Pisces through and through; this month Susan Miller was like, “You are moving into one of the best parts of 2018.” Uh, no duh, bro! Twenty-eighteen to the world, mama, thrive our queen, princess, and Okoye of our hearts, you have never been better and will only expand unto your rightful form! A CHRYSALIS turned into an EVEN MORE BEAUTIFUL CHRYSALIS!

ALSO! Because our One True President is not only beautiful and artistic but kindhearted and benevolent, she took the day to celebrate not HERSELF but her MOTHER! Your fave would neva!

But also, because she is PARTY RIRI, she made a promise that her birthday evening will pop off!

Glory and exaltations to Her Name, the One True Highest on High, la madrina y la baby, Robyn Rihanna Fenty, the queen of the thirty-somethings, welcome and may you thrive into the night, which you own because you are Rihanna, the alpha the omega the dusk and the dawn! SAFE!