Welcome to Pissing Contest, a weekly story sharing circle for the the ass-draggiest time of the afternoon on the ass-draggiest time of the last day between you and the weekend. Every week, we'll ask a question, you'll share stories, and we'll pick a winner that's featured in the next week's post. It's like a pyramid scheme of outdoing each other!
If all an alien race had to study human behavior was TV and the movies, they'd think we were a race of tanned, taut horndogs banging each other all over creation. In reality, most of the sex that people in Western society are having occurs in some sort of bed-like context, which is why tales of sex that occurred in an unorthodox location are so damn fun to swap.
This week's Pissing Contests focuses on those sexual encounters. The ones that happened when you were still in college and tried to "collect" sexual experiences like trinkets to make up for lost time and so long story short you blew a guy outside of a Crisis Pregnancy Center. The ones that happened because you were on vacation with your family and boyfriend and a big hollow clown on a mini golf course was the only privacy the week afforded you. The ones that happened in a professional sports team locker room because you've always had a thing for mascots and he had the key after hours. Sexy or terrible or off putting or horrifying. Lend us your crazy sex place stories!
But before we get to that, let's revisit the incredible outpouring of filth that happened with last week's Pissing Contest: The Grossest Thing You've Ever Seen In Public edition. Your stories were truly horrifying, to the point where I felt like I was going to throw up a little bit after reading some. Strong stomached readers, check out the incredible barf and nachos on the high seas story as written by emdroid. The drugged out Amsterdam freak show as witnessed by grimmgrrl. The shit-flinging train rider story by FluterDale. The dreadlock piss shower by kiisseli. And the gleeful New Year's Eve bus masturbator by SisterCharles.
But the winner — as difficult a field it was — is the fabulous Seize, who wins for both the levels of grossness and the stylish flair with which this story is told:
You guys have awakened in my mind with your hideous tales a story which has been dormant for a long time, like an Eldritch horror squirreled away in my subconscious, venomously dreaming.
It's 2001. After a brief segue in commune school, but that's another story, I was admitted into an extremely rigorous preparatory school. Since this was one of the nicest suburbs of LA most of the students were not just brilliant but also gorgeous with many hailing from spectacularly wealthy and famous families. I was just another TV exec's kid but I was rubbing elbows with the scions of the stars.
That said there were a few genetic duds in the mix. One was called Rand (no relation) and the other was called Rienertson. The alphabet had put these two together, and their individual personal repulsivities saw to it that they were rarely if ever apart. Rienertson was some sort of nervous spastic. Rand was an oddball impulsive maniac with a crew cut rat tail hybrid haircut.
So anyway we're in that ill-advised part of science class where it is recommended for some reason that everyone dissect all of the things. We'd made our way through earthworms the prior day without running aground. It's Friday and on today's menu we have preserved sheep eyes.I'm just delicately slicing open my sheep's eye to reveal the pebble-like crystalline lens when a great commotion erupts from Rand and Rienertson.
Rienertson, the poor shivering albino, was standing athwart the lab bench in horror. Rand had clambered on top of the desk and he was holding something in his hand. Like some sort of pagan celebrant he holds up the lens of the sheep eye in air, just long enough for all of us to see it, makes a little snarling noise, and then he just pops it in his mouth.
Rienertson took one look at that, turned his head, and projectile vomited into the blackboard so hard that it bounced off.
Classes were dismissed.
Rand for some reason suffered no ill health effects from ingesting a formaldehyde-soaked sheep's eye lens; I assume he is now a prolific serial killer. As for Rienertson I hope he has found great solace as an adult in both Xanax and his true sexual identity.
You people are fucking disgusting. Fucking disgusting goddesses.
Now, on with the weirdo places you've had sex. And may the best weirdo win.
Image via Getty