The extended trailer for the Fifty Shades of Grey sequel, Fifty Shades Darker, premiered on ABC during The Bachelor last night (appropriate, somehow...), revealing more of this book-turned-film’s crazy-ass plot.

Like learning that you’re only getting five spankings from your millionaire dom instead of ten, it’s a small relief that the Fifty Shades filmmakers got wise to this one small fact: Jamie Dornan looks a hundred times hotter with a little bit of facial hair. Less improved, it would seem, is his wooden portrayal of wooden character Christian Grey—though who knows? Dakota Johnson surprised us all with her overwhelming charm in the first one (giving Anastasia far more likability than she deserves), so maybe Dornan will surprise us in part II. Elevator fingerings crossed!

The trailer, set to the new Taylor Swift/Zayn Malik duet “I Don’t Wanna Live Forever,” looks terrible and bonkers, but in kind of a fun way? Kim Bassinger appears as the older woman who pressured Christian’s entrée into the BDSM lifestyle, an ex sub arrives in the form of a violent stalker, and, of course, there’s lots of comical (cumical?) bangin’ in funny places.

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As my conversation with Deputy Editor Kate Dries went:

Kate: This looks terrible.

Madeleine: We’re seeing it opening weekend though, right?

Kate: Of course.

And we’ll see YOU at the movies!