ANTM: "Just Be Beautiful And Use Your Loveliness"

On last night's episode of America's Next Top Model, Heather collapsed on the set of the video for Enrique Iglesias' new song that I've already forgotten. Apparently she'd grown weak from not eating all day. Shocking, I know. Although something tells me that it may have had more to do with Tyra's production schedule and janky craft service than Heather's desire to be thinner. In preparation for the video, Tyra personally taught the girls the difference between "model sexy" and "hoochie sexy," which for some reason required the girls to be in nude suits. Did Bankable Productions buy these in bulk at some sort of nude suit going-out-of-business sale? She's been making people wear them in her presence an awful lot lately. Anyway, after all that distinction was made between "models" and "hoochies" the wardrobe and makeup team on Enrique's video made the girls look like total hookers. After the jump, camel toes, poetry, and Tim Burton.

I loved this training session. It sort of reminds me of the charm school montage in League of Their Own. Except instead of teaching the girls to be ladies, Tyra is teaching them to be drag queens.

I wonder why Tyra didn't wear a nude suit.

Nude suits are particularly not flattering toward vaginal lips. Well, actually, maybe they are, depending on how you look at it. And thanks to Tyra, we had to look at it.

Maybe when Tyra told the girls to use their "loveliness" she meant "labia."

There's a lot of suspension of disbelief required for watching this show and accepting that these girls could actually be real models, but like, come on now. "Model in a video" = "Video ho." It's simple math. I don't know why Tyra is always so hung up on this "model" vs. "hoochie" thing given that she seems to embrace both.

If I can see your ass crack from the front, you a ho.

Speaking of hos:

Seriously, they look like they're waiting for lineup at the Moonlight Bunny Ranch. Tyra actually knows them.

Or actually, they sorta look like the streetwalkers in that HBO documentary Hookers at the Point. I love those hooker docs. The best part is the rhyming pimp poet.

Saleisha did time at T-zone
But it wasn't where she learned to bone
Working that bad weave
She has got to believe
In herself, to gain the ANTM throne

OK, so one of my favorite parts about this episode was when Tyra said Heather's sexiness was "Tim Burton-esque." Uh...

But Heather's sexy crawl...

had a sexiness that was Ring-esque.

And finally, how fucking erotic was it when Heather was being treated by the medics? She was panting and fingering herself while three men looked on.

"Be beautiful and use your labia." She's a quick study.

Send an email to Tracie, the author of this post, at tracie@jezebel.com.

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