Do people get confused by Harper's Magazine and Harper's Bazaar? We do! After all, handbag porn and Halliburton are extremely difficult to tell apart! So we figured we'd just take things to their (ill)logical end and do a little mash-up of both magazines — with help from our lovely intern, Cheryl — in the form of Harper's famous "Index" feature, which parses the world of big oil, big money, and Big Pharma and puts it into easily-parsed numerical-form. After the jump, see how Aerin Lauder, Paris Hilton and Valentino pair up with home equity, military drones and solar energy.

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Send an email to Anna Holmes, the author of this post, at anna@jezebel.com.